2021 Gay Pride Month, invite comrades and important others to a long conversation, in the journey of life, there are orgasms, there is a fine water flow, but in the midst of this, there will always be a him/her, for you to pick up the pieces of injury, from his eyes, you can see the most true self.
Interview with Kiwebaby and close friend Mackie, chat about friendship for 10 years, each other's laughs, each other's love, and each other's growth.
At two o'clock in the afternoon, after the rain in Taipei, the atmosphere of light but lazy, very suitable for an afternoon appointment.
A well-dressed Kiwebaby (Zhang Chengxi) and the same show "College Students Have Not" popular Mackie, a previous and later to the women's fans, open the door please come in, Kiwe politely said thank you, there are new people on the face of the raw, and the past in the show bold and open image is very different.
From participating in "University Students Have Not" so far, through 9 years of light and shade, all the way in front of the screen ups and downs, only to exchange today's face of the camera.
Looking back on 2015, Kiwebaby was still the hot teenager, bravely sculpting the upper body of a woman on his body, breast augeting, not shying away from the same body, he generous expression, refused to frame, because he finally understood that he can be both a boy, a girl, but also a unique self.
Put your true self in the sun, there is nothing to be afraid of
"McGee and I met when we were 20 years old, and the first time I was on the show, he told me that he had seen my picture on the no-name station, and I think he probably liked me. Kiwe laughed and joked.
For nearly 10 years, the friendship was built on the eve of the day, from hosting a campus tour together and running north and south. McGee recalls the past, 20-year-old Kiwe, people come crazy, charm sweep the studio, often a foot on the table of 16 college students, dagger posture, behavior, look at McGee's eyes, only think this person is so cool, so interesting.
Speaking about the "gender" issue, McGee admits that he didn't think much about it at first, and didn't deliberately think of Kiwe as a girl friend, or even joke about his gender, recalling: "We used to go to market stalls all over Taiwan, and Kiwe would Women's clothes on the scene, at that time I like to play tricks on him, in the eyes of the public called him "Shang brother", he often laughed and scolded me, but then I found that in fact, he will be a little embarrassed about the "Shang brother" this title, because he is a girl. 」
When he heard "Shang brother", Kiwe laughed, saying that he didn't really care so much about the title of "Shang brother".
"Since the public appearance, it is very accepting of their biological sex, will want to let others know that they are a boy, will not produce too many misunderstandings, after all, many times the other side mistakenly think I am a girl, accidentally punctured, the final injury will be my own." I think that liars usually do not have any good play, it is better to disclose their biological sex, relatively will not be hurt. 'Putting the real self out there is starting to become less frightening,' Kiwe said.
Through the journey of gender identity, the exploration of love, along the way bumps and falls, fortunately or come here.
"I often think he's brave and special," McGee said. Because he did not shy away from showing his true appearance, when we put up stalls in the north and south, very often have transgender, third-sex students to find him to chat, share their thoughts, he often encouraged everyone, when more and more people can be brave to do their own, sexual minorities can be seen more and more. As you will know, we don't have to feel guilty about who we really are, and we're not wrong. 」
Hope comes to the world to tell everyone that you can be who you want to be
For Kiwebaby today, gender is not absolute, and he doesn't mind gender annotations on his ID card, doesn't deny that he's still physically male, and loves being a girl himself. For his part, gender identity is like water flow, every day is flowing, at this moment he, want to be more over the gender, to play, enjoy the different gender and gender temperament brought about by the fun.
Perhaps he had suffered too much unequal treatment because of his gender, he said, so he wanted to go the other way and fulfill what he perceived as himself by being a male and female. "I often wonder if we are classified as normal people from the start, without discrimination, bullying, and a very well-educated person, will anyone really be born to hate their bodies?" He asked questions as if talking to himself.
"I used to want to be transgender and want to completely change myself. But I found that almost all actor roles and acting opportunities happen because of transgender identity, and I want to come into this world to tell you that you can be what you want to be. 」
Taking in your own body and spending more than 20 years looking back at the history of life, Kiwe says, when he was in fact a man, he found himself secretly fond of the male body, and when he was in the country, he liked to press Beckham's nude composites under transparent table mats.
Naked, but the desire for straight ball, indeed came earlier than gender identity, to know that they have to spend more time and strength, but also to overcome fear, "before high school, I did not dare to come out, because there were few sexual minorities in the class at that time, very afraid of being bullied," until the 17-year-old, with acute stress syndrome, jumped from the fourth floor, spent nearly a month in the hospital, before plucking up the courage to ask my mother: "Mom, do you know I am Gay?" 」
Mom, look, this is my boyfriend!
This sentence, from the moment he mentioned, light as Hong Mao, in the hand-drawn feet and laughter, between words, deeply felt that he was eager to convey the "this is nothing" message, he pointed to the mobile phone, said that he showed a picture of a foreign boyfriend, and said to his mother: "Mom, you see, this is my boyfriend, I am Gay you know?" Heavy words, he said softly, waywardly, as if nothing, smiled and said.
"At that time, my mother told me, in fact, my mother knew from an early age. I am very lucky, in the family this piece, my mother unconditionally support me, and even take the initiative to introduce my boyfriend, but I know that many friends have no way to come out with the family, the family is often open one eye, close one eye, not very able to accept this matter. I'm really, really lucky with my family. Kiwe said, feeling his sincerity.
He said that luckily, his mother has always been the most proud of his super cheerleaders: "When I go to the Netherlands to participate in the film exhibition, my mother will cut off all my newspapers, framed; Mother's pride is always two people, one is that my mother is proud of me, the other is that I am proud of my mother, feel very proud.
Being proud of yourself is the building of confidence and the affirmation of self-identity. Speaking of motherhood, Kiwe has light in her eyes, as if he could see her shiny reflection in each other's eyes, know what's fascinating about her, and believe that all courage makes sense.
The exploration of gender begins with the desire to be loved
Kiwebaby said that when he first wanted to be a girl, in addition to his own love of feminine beauty, but also with the gay circle of the "C culture" has a lot to do with.
"When the difference between a girl and when Gay is really big, when I was seventeen years old, because of the "17-year-old sky" movie, went to the Taipei nightclub to explore themselves, then I found that really will meet me, as if only older foreigners, so the first want to dress up as a woman, because I feel that there is no market in the gay circle. He said that the desire to be loved, regardless of gender, is born, I believe we are all the same.
We have all hated our bodies for love, for our bodies, for our proud personalities, for our eyes for not laughing, for not being loved. For the unconfident soul, it is as if you must love before you feel alive, to feel worth it, to feel that you have light, to be beautiful enough.
Yet such love is full of dangerous weightlessness, Kiwe says, and past selfies, much like amoeba, always pander to, always putting themselves in one model after another and shaping them into the way others might like them. Comrade circle refused C, then come to install Man well, cut short hair, change the name of A Xiang, but in the end, temperament will speak, the real self, always can not fake.
"I found that I still like these beautiful things ah, long hair I just have more self-confidence, I just like makeup ah. 'Appearance does have a 90% influence, and when you like yourself and embrace yourself, the world comes back and hugged you,' Kiwe said.
Look at his moving eyes, like walking a long road, said a thousand words, the most heart out of the lungs or those words, you have to take good care of yourself, before someone will love you. Then I couldn't help asking, what if there was still a conflict between "desire for love" and "being yourself"?
"I know a very important thing, like a flower, you will easily pick it, but love a flower, you will carefully irrigate it." I still long to be loved, and want to be irrigated, but also want to dance the butterfly's favor, in fact, quite greedy. 」
Although greedy, but in the face of love, now Kiwe learned to be honest, he not only once said that lying costs, and at this moment he can no longer afford, so sex does not lie, put himself in the sun.
"Now I, meet the person I like will go two steps before, if he did not come to meet me, I will stop in place, no longer go forward." I want to try to get as close as possible to those who like my nature, and I will tell people that I am transgender and so honest that I will attract people who like themselves from the bottom of my heart. 」
To all Danish girls: We pay attention to others and learn to take good care of ourselves
At the end of the interview, he talked about how he expected to make the world a little better through his influence.
He thought half-wittedly, talking about respect, "I think, respect is, you don't have to like him, but everyone has his right to be his own freedom, and he said the same thing, I hope you can really know that we are all the same." He went on to say that he was like a victim of the times, but sometimes sacrifice was a revolution, an idea that came from a sentence in TaiZai's "Slant Sun".
"The victims, the victims of the moral transition period." You, I must be like this, right? Where on earth did the revolution take place? At least, in our side, that ancient moral code is still unchanged, still blocking our way, no matter how rough the sea surface waves, the sea below, do not lie there for the move to sleep, not to mention what revolution, the revolution has not yet started, has not yet begun, need more valuable sacrifices, now this world, the most beautiful is the victim. 」
- Tai Zaiji's Slanted Sun
"Pearls are gravel that has been through pain," Kiwe said. Although there have been many unequal treatments, growing up to think that these treatments, perhaps any gender may encounter, anyone may at some point, feel like a freak, different. So one day, when you get to a certain age, a certain moment, you will feel that it doesn't matter, all the pain has passed. 」
By the time you reach 30, the mind is much broader, and he thinks, stop letting negative gossip turn into straws that overwhelm you, and listen to your inner voice: "What do you want?" What kind of person do you want to be? Understanding yourself and being aware of your own state is the thing you should care about most.
Change is not a matter of a day or two, rather than changing the world so big ideas, it is better to start by adjusting yourself, Kiwe said: "Change your inner mind, feel that they are normal, good, love themselves, if all these are positive, it is enough, we take care of others before we learn to take good care of themselves." 」
Shrink your external voice, enlarge your heart, and listen carefully to your present moment, and you will understand that there is no substitute for anyone's beauty, so you can embrace the truth with more confidence, shout pride boldly, and look to all The Danish girls to find their own sky.
Postscript to the interview
Kiwebaby is still crazy, and during the interview, he'll change, he'll be steady, he'll laugh. 'Kiwe is like having multiple personalities, but I think he has a unique air field with performers, putting himself near or far under a heavy umbrella, choosing the best side and making you love it,' McGee said.
Listening to Kiwebaby as if he were constantly asking himself, he was used to adding a "bar" to the end of the phrase, giving all the answers a breathing space, as if by saying "yes" and asking you, "Hey, I think so, what do you think?" 」
Always open dialogue, reach out to invite communication, this is Kiwebaby's self with Chill, I think after today, also learn how to put Chill on their own, after all, comfortable, never need someone else to give you.