2021 Gay Pride Month, invite comrades and important others to a long conversation, in the journey of life, there are orgasms, there is a fine water flow, but in the midst of this, there will always be a him/her, for you to pick up the pieces of injury, from his eyes, you can see the most true self.
Interview Kaka, Bella that day, Taipei is almost summer weather, with a rush of enthusiasm, want to tell us what to say. What a proud moon atmosphere, I thought, moving to their place.
Pushing the door open, oncoming is a bright black hair of the small Bomei, it jumped to lead me to get started, through the porch, to the living room, from the near-floor window look out, there are bridges and traffic, very Taipei view. This is youTuber Kaka and Bella's new home.
"In fact, we have not officially married, " Kaka said, although the two have not yet completed registration, but now together the day is similar to marriage life, from cohabitation, put their expectations for the future, put in Chaimi oil salt, with romantic mood, cooking every loose little thing, drink a sweet kiss, set a table happy daily.
"My mom cried with me, but didn't say she supported me or opposed me."
Carolyn (Kaka) and Bella, who started their YouTube channel "Acapella CACA and BELLA" in January 2020, have topped 300,000 subscriptions. In the past two years, fate in the lives of two people set down nodes, meet, come out, open the channel, propose, cohabitation, ㄧ to meet the arrival of Mao children, bit by bit, heart and like, accumulated into the shape of love, in front of the screen, they are never shy of showing intimacy, they want to speak out in their own way: we love each other, in fact, nothing different.
Back in 2019, after several emotional outings, the two met on dating software, a gay bar date, and the phrase "My home is beautiful, would you like to come home with me?" The straight scouts took them all the way here.
The beginning of the relationship is to balance forward, about a day, to express themsion to each other, to hold each other's hands, vows will never be separated again. For Kaka and Bella, the agreement is not a cheesy love script, no one to chase whom, but we like each other.
"With me, Bella really needs to show a lot of guts, including facing the camera and telling our stories to everyone. Kakabian said, holding Bella's hand, "We didn't really come out so publicly before, but because as a wife I wanted to do it, so she plucked up the courage to do it together." 」
Listening to Kaka talk about public appearances, Bella had light in her eyes and went on, "She's always been a strong presence in my eyes since I met Kaka." One of the things I'm most proud of is that she opened up about her relationship with me on Facebook so that friends and family know about it. For Bella, the public appearance has a kind of frank handsome, recall their own to the mother out of the process, Bella admitted that at that time, she was actually full of fear, afraid of the mother's incomprehension, and even worried that he would not be kicked out of the door.
"I was in the coffee shop with my mom that day and said very seriously, I think we're going to a place where we don't have a father or brother, and we're going to have a good talk. I was very nervous, always feel that she probably guessed what I was going to say, at the moment, I said to her: 'I like girls', finished the speech directly burst into tears. Speaking of the past, Bella's voice trembled slightly, kaka on one side covered her chest, frowned between the eyebrows, and the heartache of her lover.
Even after a long time of retelling, you can still feel the mother and daughter sitting, the air between the two people stop flowing the kind of breath-taking gaze, can imagine those imaged emotional tears, from Bella's delicate little face slipping down, the kind of anxiety inside.
All the appearance scenes are exclusive, but there will always be a moment, even if the heart with a thousand words, an opening, is still a mother, I like girls, and the latter did not answer the sentence is: you will still love me?
"My mom cried with me, but didn't say support me or oppose me, she reminded me to take good care of myself in my feelings and not to get hurt. 」
I just need to say, who I like is who I like
Then Bella met Kaka, the first time with her partner home, the mother said nothing, cooked a table of food, watch her daughter's partner eat, pay attention to her preferences, the next time she came home, packed boxes of home-cooked meals, let her daughter bring back to share. Mom didn't say anything, but she said nothing.
Looking back, what about Kaka's appearance? Sitting on the other side of the sofa, Kaka's cousin smiled and replied, "Because I knew Kaka had a boyfriend before, I didn't know she liked girls until she made it public." At the moment I just think it's cool and there's no negative reviews in the whole family. 」
Unable to predict how friends and family respond to the public appearance, Kaka is to summon the courage, "In fact, I was deliberate, quite a lot of elders can not accept that their children are gay, many are from peer pressure, I thought, since the pressure of mother is so great, then I will help her tell you first." Put away the smiley face, Kaka's expression at this time with some serious, "If everyone is blessed, doubts I will first sweep away most of the, mother will gladly accept." After coming out, I felt the wall that had been silting with her for a long time had been broken and I could see each other more transparently. 」
She looked aloof, but also said that the present self, or very nervous, slightly leaned his head thinking half-witted, said that in fact, the world should not have "out of the cabinet" the word, "I actually just need to say, I like this person who is, she has a name, she is Bella, so it is." 」
Sex is the spectrum, flowing between color scales, you may like the opposite sex 100%, may 90% like the opposite sex, 10% like the opposite sex, may also be 50%, 50% equal, in the behavior of life, more likely to change. And in different arrangements, the essence of mutual attraction is love.
Regaining the yearning for family and marriage depends on the "right people"
On September 10, 2020, the first anniversary of Kaka's engagement with Bella, Bella ambushed the proposal video, put on a balloon at the scene, pondered the weight of the promise after the love words, said I would like to protect you every life, no matter where you are, I will find you.
Love in front of marriage, is a firm belief, fearless courage to move forward, and deep love. Looking back on meeting each other, Bella admitted that she is actually a non-maritalism, all the anxiety about marriage, from the original family, from the sidelines, always feel that marriage has endless restrictions and obstacles, children long, after all, the enemy but the reality of abuse, she said: "Looking at my parents, will feel married will have to carry a lot of responsibility on the shoulders, so lose freedom, lose goals, and even lose themselves." 」
"In the past, I was afraid that I would be tied up by marriage, but after getting along with Kaka, I felt she gave me a lot of freedom. Picking up new possibilities depends on the presence of the right people, and together you give more possibilities for the future.
"In fact, before we interacted, we also experienced a lot of people who are not quite right, " Kaka turned to look at Bella, showing a doting smile, "Of course, I get along with Bella in the process, each still has shortcomings, but the advantages are still too many shortcomings, we can work together, communicate with each other, let each other not one-way cooperation, I think these are Bella can go with me for a long time an important reason." 」
The two people get along for a long time, of course, there is a need to run into each other, "the problem between me and Bella is that sometimes I go too fast, she will always be gasping behind her back to keep up, this is the question of the pace of negotiation between us, if she has doubts about the way forward, I will stop, try to communicate, wait until she has added energy, the doubts in her heart to eliminate, and then run together." The dance steps between partners adjust, not the pursuit of absolute uniformity, but you understand my rhythm, and I try to keep up, we occasionally one after the other, occasionally stop, even if slow, still move forward together.
Looking back and asking Kaka about his vision of marriage? She thought and didn't think about it back: "I think for a long time, my imagination of marriage is no different, must be everyone and music together, one plus one is greater than two, to add points to each other." 」
For Kaka, marriage is supposed to be heaven, and rather than thinking or resisting in a negative direction, she is more inclined to see the car in front of her, to firm her position, not to compromise, "so I have always looked forward to marriage, but I will always remind myself not to become a pattern I do not want." 」
On the premise of marriage, the two moved into a new home, began to live together, talking about the meaning of cohabitation on their own, Bella smiled and said, in fact, very much like the concept of pre-marital test drive, people always have to be in life, in order to really see each other's true appearance, sometimes out of love bubble, so that life has air, to find love more mature, looking at the other half on the sofa, feel lovely love.
Think of your partner as a partner and think together about how to work together forever
"Before I lived together, I had an imagination of Kaka because I didn't know what her normal life was like. Bella put her head off and smiled, and Kaka on the side seized the opportunity to whisper, "You must want me to wear a white shirt, cook and make up." Bella showed 赧 shyness, smiled at her lover, and said the right thing with her hand, but I prefer you after cohabiting. In the interaction between the two people, there is a love of sweet, sugar in the air, falling generous.
In follow-up to Bella's reply, Kaka says that cohabitation is important because you understand each other 100 percent from life, "In a space where you know how the other person will behave when they are happy and sad, and what I should do." 」
Kaka summed herself up, "Cohabitation lets us know what she must, must not, what she wants very much, including myself, and then discuss whether we can cooperate with each other and say yes first." Two people to live together, with two people in the work, anything to cooperate ㄧ the same, first understand each other, to know whether cooperation can be smooth, sometimes can jump out of the relationship, think of each other as partners, we can know how to cooperate, we can permanently cooperate. 」
Starting with your partner, you grow into a space that can be called "home", but what exactly is "home"?
Leaving her native family, they were more open than ever, Kaka said: "After coming out, the invisible wall with my mother was torn apart, and she started to feel like I was doing well, that someone was taking care of each other, that we were taking care of each other, that we were relaxed, and that she was happy." 」
From one home, cell division produces another, with each other's imagination, spirit and expectations for home, injecting part of ourselves from the native family into the places we share, forming new organisms that grow their shape and support each other;
Bella said: "After being with Kaka, I look at the way their mother and daughter get along, I feel very envious, she told me how to communicate with the family, correct my already more rushed temper, with Kaka together, with my mother feel more like friends, three people can also go shopping together." 」
Kaka on the other side of the talk about home, more emphasis on harmony, to be at ease, "more than more about the shackles of the family, I think every generation should have a generational model, it is not fixed, whether male, female, what age or background, home should not exist a specific ceremony or structure, should return to the individual, return to the basis of everyone's mutual concern." And multi-family, in addition to breaking the gender framework, but also break the shackles, when two independent individuals together in the family, we can not through the gender division of roles, we can through discussion, through mutual cooperation, to improve each other's expectations of life.
"Return to the fact that everyone values their needs and respects each other's ideas, and that every special person can play to what makes him special, whether it's family, feelings, or work." Kaka said.
It's important to get along for a long time, to give each other space, to find things you love together
After living together, the two live together, get along for a long time, how to maintain the relationship? Kaka clapped his hands and said we were right, "We work together, we meet friends, we meet mom, we get along almost 24 hours a day, and I think it's important to give each other space and find something we love together." 」
"Together to complete things of common interest, respect each other's different needs, when the mood is not good to communicate." Kaka talks about communication, like a trusted big sister, teaching, step by step, "Even when the mood is full, I will let go first, sit down and ask the other side: "This thing makes me not very happy, why do you think you do this?" Whoever is unhappy, we can discuss the problem first, can we have a compromise approach?
Bella nodded in agreement, adding: "I think it's important to sit down every week, one day of every month, have a good chat, get along like we do, but still need time to really chat and bring out your thoughts about each other and your work together." 」
While practicing the conversation, which has always been a tacit understanding between the two, Kaka shared: "When she first got together with Bella, she was really unable to speak, almost all of them, so she knew me very well, and I didn't know what she was thinking." In the face of this situation, I often ask a little more, let her talk a little more, such as like,' what do you have picture, how do you feel? Otherwise, she would just say she didn't know, she didn't know what to say.
Talk guidance, but also need encouragement, "when she finally speaks her own ideas, I will say "wife is great", give her encouragement, make her feel like she can be heard, her thoughts, someone is really listening." Re-establish their own bridge with the outside world, began to learn to release themselves, Kaka with Bella learning, a little more, I want to know a little more, let me know you a little more, one after another, love is based on conversation, but more private, more unique to me and you.
Postscript to the interview
Before the interview, the two were also invited to join their families, so with the participation of Kaka's cousin. From the three interactions, I saw total self-reliance, mutual trust, mutual honesty. During the interview, the three took turns holding Xiao Bo full, let it lick elbows, palms, arms, Kaka while interviewed, while laughing to remind the photographer big brother: "full of breathing sound, pay attention not to receive its gasping sound." 」
Always feel that this picture is very beautiful, in this cabin, love is full and flowing, no matter who gives who, people can be happy to receive.
At the end of the interview, we talked about what Kaka and Bella expect from the future of channel operations, and Kaka picked up a gentle tone, saying, "As we become public figures, more and more people will open their ears and listen, and we want to take our fans and open our hearts to different things in addition to wanting to be more influential in youTuber." And gay identity is their motivation to move forward.
"We feel that there are very few comrades in Taiwan who are entertainers who are willing to come out and speak, and I think when the group is in the minority, you can do more and have more influence." We hope that no one will ever be blocked from work because of their comradeship, or because of their comradeship, or 'image frustrated', which makes no sense at all, and we hope that these things will never happen again. 」
In life, there is love, there is family, there is comfort, there is a mission, this is I see in Kaka and Bella the possibility. The definition of serious life is work hard, play harder, not limited to themselves, when we can all leave some surplus for ourselves, in a hurry to find the opportunity to pause, then life will be driving south, there are goals and directions, there is a partner on the side, music around, shake down the window, there is a faint fragrance.
"Eat well, take a good vacation to play, as long as you have the heart, your life can maintain interest, maintain your spark, maintain the meaning of life." - Kaka