The so-called intimacy, is to let love flow between each other, and sometimes I catch you a little more, sometimes you play a little more, but an outbreak, but for lovers to bring unprecedented test - suddenly elongated time together, reduce each other's breathing space;
Change in love brings conflict and discomfort, breaking the balance of what we thought in the past.
On June 24th, the third live lecture of women's fans, "To the Future and near the Future", unfolded in a low-hanging night, with the live room full of participants carrying their stories to listen to and find answers.
In the third week of the embrace energy exercise, women fans bring in a psychologist, women's fan station creator Lu Mei妏 as a speaker, and she will use her consulting experience as a backdrop to talk to you about how we resolve conflicts, how we are curious about each other up close, and how to maintain love and passion over long distances.
To the lovers under the epidemic: a good quarrel, in order to love each other well
"Now I know that half of the fun of being alone at home comes from being able to go out at any time. - Ma Boyong
At the beginning of the live broadcast, mei 妏 to the Chinese writer Ma Boyong as a passage as the opening, her clear calm voice, with participants gently look down on themselves, found that the original in our imagination, those once taken for granted, have their meaning of existence.
"Now we are forced into a new state, so that many small details begin to be magnified, " Mei 妏 said, married / cohabiting partners in the aftermath of the outbreak, the biggest challenge is the beginning of "extreme proximity", the narrowing of the field of life, so that the density of getting along is higher than in the past, after the conflict can no longer have room for meditation, and life's small mistakes are easier to amplify interpretation.
The collision between two people begins with the details of life, and you find that "we are so different".
The beauty 妏 follow the good temptation, the words are full of gentle guidance, the Buddha is saying: "My dear, what happened to you, I understand." There is a feeling of being cared for and understood, she said: "Although post-epidemic high density is prone to conflict, long-term home ownership is also a good opportunity to reacquaint yourself with your partner." 」
Many of the relationship problems and conflicts come from "previously avoided" problems, you think that each other because of the distance and the change in habits began to conflict frequently, but in fact, all conflicts have their causes, in the past patting buttocks out of work can ease the mood, now in an indoor had to burst out, so, "I've endured you for a long time" is the usual starting point of this time quarrel.
In the face of a partner conflict extension race, communication is like a marathon, runners start, on the way you tend to feel tired and depressed, and even see the end of the distance, the idea of wanting to abandon the race. But know that the most important thing about a marathon is strong mental construction, talking to yourself, defining the end point, and then adjusting your pace.
To the long-distance lovers under the epidemic: Distance is not an excuse to break up at all
In the outbreak, many partners who did not live together were forced to separate, on the contrary, there were long-distance lovers who could have maintained a fixed frequency of meeting, and now it is even more difficult to meet the other side. The outbreak lengthened the distance between themsself and broke the constant pattern of love.
As a practitioner of long-distance love, the U.S. 妏 talk about long-distance relationships, with a "walk all the way" maturity, she said in a steady tone, from this side of the live screen, can also feel her eyes with stability.
"Why is it difficult to travel long distances?" The beauty 妏 ask questions and give what she thinks is the answer: "The reason for the difficulty of distance is that we can't fulfill our expectations of love, so the most important thing to balance long-distance relationships is to 'adjust each other's expectations of love patterns' and let communication get deeper before you have the opportunity to meet your truest partner over long distances." 」
As for how to adjust consensus and create new relationship models? The 妏 mentions that there are 2 actions you can use to practice long-distance love.
1. Take the initiative to create freshness and passion
Lovers can't live together, and one of the most central questions is bound to be: How do we find common threads?
When it comes to getting along from distance, the most important thing is to keep a place in each other's lives, create connections, develop more possibilities beyond what you already know, and see more face-to-face each other through "curiosity" about your partner. Beauty 妏 share that curiosity is the key to continuing love, and that it is only by using curiosity to get to know new parts of a partner that it is possible to dig into each other's more "unknown" and moving faces in their "known" daily lives.
"People who have just been together, even at a distance, still retain freshness and passion, but if you have been together for a long time, and each at home for more than a month, this freshness and passion has long been gone, then how can we cultivate a new passion between intimacy and familiarity?" The U.S. 妏 is used to bringing out the core issues before proposing a solution, she believes that the freshness between partners needs to be cultivated, like a long relationship, not only by pure love itself, but also by back and forth adjustment and management.
"Freshness is a matter of different opinions, " mei 妏 said, some people rely on a new object, re-start a new journey, but for her, the so-called freshness is not to find unknown objects, to do known things together, but with "known" objects to do "unknown" things. "In this way, we can create more freshness and passion while having a sense of intimacy." The U.S. 妏 says intimacy depends on intimacy, and intimacy comes from familiarity with each other.
As for the specific practice of curiosity, mei 妏 shared the story of a college sister, she said: "This sister, and her partner for a very long time, from college began to socialize, now into marriage, more than ten years, whenever the sister mentioned the other half, still full of love, she told me, maintain a sense of love in the relationship, rely on them still curious about each other." Curiosity comes from what you care about, what you care about, and you can try to ask the other half of your daily life about the little things, like: What did you do today? Who do you do it with? Is there anything interesting going on today?
"These ordinary and simple little things can create more possibilities because of your curiosity, " Mei 妏 said, adding that by increasing the breadth and depth of content between each other, you can see that your partner still has something you don't usually notice, and you can make him feel cared for.
"People have a desire to share, develop the habit of sharing, talk endlessly about each other's lives, and through this process you can get to know new people and more complete ones." 」
2. Recognize the facts and see the benefits of long distances
Many couples who break up because of long distances will most likely say, "We're separated because we can't stand the distance." 」
However, the U.S. 妏 has a different view in this seemingly unbreakable reality, saying, "Relationships can conflict, from previously avoided issues that don't necessarily arise from long distances, problems and conflicts come from a lack of understanding, and unmet needs." 」
The outbreak does bring a great challenge to the relationship, but is it really because of distance that we become so difficult?
"Some psychological studies have found that there is no substantial difference in the proportion of long-distance and close-knit intimacy, " Mei 妏 said, which also means that, regardless of distance, will break up people will eventually break up, and will not break up, regardless of the reality, can always come together.
Even so, the U.S. 妏 agree that distance and proximity are very different, and that for most first-time long-distance lovers, the biggest problem is "not seeing the differences in distance relationships and proximity in nature", which can make each other's needs for love unmet, and in the face of difficulty in accepting the reality of separation, it is easy to argue.
"What is the most uncomfortable thing about being at a distance?" Mei 妏 asked questions again, eyes twinkling soft light, Buddha can see into the eyes of each participant, give a lot of encouragement, she went on: "The most difficult place in the distance, is that your needs can not be answered, emotional communication becomes difficult." 」
For example, the blow you need a hug, very much need the other side to understand the difficulties of your life, but at the end of the video lens he, perception as if you are not in the same parallel space-time, perception becomes weaker, the common feeling becomes weaker, you can not suffer each other, happy each other, lost feeling, often let distant lovers feel disappointed with each other, the two gradually no intersection.
"We often use our expectations of close relationships in long-distance relationships, which need to be adjusted. We need to adjust our expectations, because the approach at close range obviously doesn't work over long distances. 'It's not a question of proximity, it's about whether we can find a way to deal with it, and whether we can find the flexibility to face a relationship, ' mr. 妏 said.
Remove the framework of "close love" from us, face the reality that we can't meet and embrace, and find new ways to get along.
Disappointment is the closest thing to reality
Whether it is close relationship under the epidemic, or long-distance relationship, the conflict actually comes from "expectation" and "status quo" do not match, want to meet but can not meet, want to be alone but lack their own space, in these "I want" can not achieve the situation, lovers can learn not to put the original expectations into the present.
"Disappointment is the closest to the real moment, " the U.S. 妏 mentioned, many times, people in the face of disappointment in the relationship to take the "give up" means, passion retreated, the two sides removed the soul partner's coat, encountered the current situation and expectations do not match the situation, finally feel "forget it, not fit to change a person ah", so that the formation of a vicious circle, in the past intimate relationship continues to play out.
In fact, no matter who the other person is, we have a hard time dealing with the expectations of the relationship, disappointment will bring a lot of pain, however, we also need to realize that in the partnership, we often project their own ideals on each other, you imagine the other side may not be true, the outbreak, just accelerate the disillusionment of this ideal. The 妏 believes that disappointment brings truth, so it is not a bad thing for lovers to work together to face disappointment.
"If you want to have a long-term business relationship with the other person, would you want to know the real him, or false him?" Beauty 妏 like a sister who follows the good temptation, with questions about love, gently said to you, not to give you an answer, but also do not lose your appetite for too long, she said: "When we face disappointment, see less than they expect each other, please try to adjust their expectations, remember, is to adjust expectations, rather than give up expectations, so that we will not be disappointed because of some unreasonable imagination, the other side will not because of their excessive expectations and suffocate, each other can take a new way." 」
Understand that each other is not, should not be the most perfect lover, he may not be as good as you think, but not as bad as you think, the closer to disappointment, the closer to the truth, in the moment of disappointment and truth, we can in the epidemic stage, with the other half of love, into a real deep connection