"Be kind to yourself before you run a relationship" rejects toxic communication, and you can do 3 "good talk" exercises

On the evening of July 1st, women fans of "To the Future" embraced the energy series to meet with readers online, for four weeks in a row, women fans through Thursday night sessions, for readers to create a temporary shelter from the epidemic, live room, everyone sitting side by side, can feel people between people, although across the screen, but more than usual to other people's eyes.

This week's Embrace Energy Ambassador brings in sound coach Tiger, who will lead readers on a journey through voice expression to better explore themselves and read others, on how to "not let quarrels distance their partners" during the outbreak.

Don't believe too much in "language itself" and find the "expectation" behind it

Communication depends on sound, sound is an extension of language, is a bridge of meaning, through sound, we can read others, but also can express themselves.

"A lot of people say that it's not very recommended for couples to work together, " said Mr. Tiger in a calm, restrained voice, starting with his own life, "My wife and I are not just husband and wife, but also have to raise children together, at work we are the co-founder of the company, because we are freelance workers, most of the time with each other, children, and this kind of life has been maintained for two years." 」

From the background of the characters, bringing out practical experience, Mr. Tiger for himself to create a fairly three-dimensional characteristics, from his story, we can all read: "In my long-term life with my wife, a lot of run-in is happening, and that is why I am here today to share with you." 」

Starting from their own experience, combined with sound specialty, about "How can a partner communicate effectively?" Mr. Tiger started with "Voice".

Photo|Photo by PanKR on PIXTA

"In fact, one's real influence does not come from how we "express", but how we can better "respond". Mr. Tiger explained with concentric circle theory that people speak with inner and outer concentric circles, dividing them in two parts, language and non-language.

"The amount of non-verbal information is much larger than language, " Mr. Tiger further explained, many times when we receive other people's messages, the influence of non-verbal conditions will be greater than the meaning expressed by simple words, for example, when we shout out the names of others, in language, the meaning of the name is the word itself, but when we use a different tone to shout out the name, it will represent a very different mood.

In fact, "language" and "non-language" speech can be more subdivided into four levels, first of all, the outermost layer is called "content", that is, mainly by reason, can be written part, although it can greatly help the speaker to convey what they think, but people usually do not just because of "the language itself" to believe what the other side wants to express.

Photo | Mr. Tiger

Take "I'm sorry, it's all my fault" as an example, when you say this in a low tone and honestly, it means that the speaker is really sorry for what he said and did, but if you say "I'm sorry, it's all my fault" provocatively, it may mean that you think you've been misunderstood, and in fact you're uncomfortable and reluctant to apologize.

From such differences, it can be seen that the content expressed in language is not equal to emotion and actual intention, want to extract the cause behind a person's speech, you have to explore the inner layer, "the second layer is the so-called emotion, when you read the meaning behind the discourse, you can generally feel what kind of emotion the speaker is going through, " said Mr. Tiger, but it is not enough to stop at this layer.

"Based on content and emotion, you can explore the third layer, which is to explore the "intent" that others convey when they speak. Mr. Tiger mentions that usually our intentions in receiving other people's words are received from our own point of view, however, if we are not aware of the intention of the dialogue released by the other person, and the heart does not have a clear belief and goal in the dialogue, it is easy to be affected by inertia, the consequences of intuitive response, usually no constructive dialogue or quarrel.

"Speaking is in fact an invitation, and only by reading intent can we respond appropriately to the offer." In his view, if we only stay on the first or second floor, it is easy to mistake the other person for a "quarrel" when he sends a "fight" message, but in fact, "fighting" is probably not the other party's real intention at all.

(Extended reading:"Whoever is wrong, I apologize first" instead of thank you, more powerful than sorry)

Photo | Mr. Tiger

Take the phrase "I'm sorry, it's all my fault" as an example, when a person says this sentence provocatively, he may be emotionally angry and unwilling, but if we dig deep into the intention behind this sentence, you can use the situation before and after, find that this sentence really want to react may be "although I want to apologize to you, but I also feel aggrieved" such intention.

"When you can understand the intention and go down to the next level, it's called 'expectation,'" says Mr. Tiger, 'People don't usually express their inner desires through words when they are emotional, and when we understand the intentions behind the language, we have a chance to see what the other person really expects and respond correctly to the argument.

Photo | Mr. Tiger

That is, when we can understand each other's "expectations" under the premise of dialogue, we have the opportunity to be closer to the other person's heart, "In fact, with voice into the field of communication, we have to learn from beginning to end is not how to "talk", but how to better "listen", from the outside, gradually see the other side's expectations, we have the opportunity to make effective communication." Mr. Tiger said.

(Extended reading: Why is he always aggressive every time he wants to communicate with his other half?) Relationship Psychology: How a person communicates depends on how he listens

How to maintain good relationship quality through "talking"?

Hearing each other's "emotions" in a relationship, understanding "intentions" and understanding true "expectations" is a prerequisite for communication. But how on earth does this happen?

"When there is no gap between two people and they do not understand each other's emotional language, communication becomes "intuition" and "inertia", and over time, such communication not only lacks real communication, but only hurts each other and does not grow." So building truly meaningful relationships through sound is one of the secrets of maintaining long-term, stable and intimate relationships.

"There's no shortcut to this, what we're going to do is lay the groundwork for emotional intelligence. According to Mr. Tiger, the three most important elements of a relationship, namely "me, and you", are particularly important here because it represents space between partners, and the following three steps can be taken to perfect the interaction between me and you.

Step 1: Be kind to your body and learn not to be patient

"When you're focused at work, you're feeling a little uncomfortable, 痠, tight, a little out of patience, do you choose to be patient or do you want to keep getting things done?" In response to the first step in improving the relationship, Mr. Tiger throws problems at the audience with his work status as an example.

Most of the time, we will take the "patience, after work again" mentality, to endure those small discomfort in life, they may not bring you too much trouble, but need more willpower, to control their own feelings are not uncomfortable to take away the current control.

"However, these patiences will accumulate. Mr. Tiger said that persistent patience can form depression, and when the brain is depressed, there are just as computers in the multi-functional work, you open several programs in the background to run together, will make the brain begin to become dull, temper began to grumpy, patience is easy to reduce, these are the possible side effects of patience.

"So, under the right circumstances, don't be patient, learn to take care of your immediate needs, feel stuffy to take a bath, have a sore move, need sweets to supplement afternoon tea, " said Mr. Tiger, when the physical needs are immediately taken care of, your mind will follow the rich.

Patience is a virtue, but it's too late. Most of us, have used most of the youth, learn how to endure feelings, but also have to spend most of their lives, relearn how to love themselves more.

If today is the starting point for your practice, try to regain more control and dominance for yourself, which can start with being kind to your body.

Photo|Photo by Loverna Journey on Unsplash

Step 2: Don't ignore your need to be alone

When the body's needs find its place, the next step is to establish a connection with itself.

Everyone will need to be alone time, but many times, alone is often passive waiting, may be just a gap, temporary cancellation of the party, so many people's sing alone is not complete.

"If I don't get along well with me, then I'll get into a lot of trouble with other people." Mr. Tiger explained with his own experience, he mentioned that cohabiting partners often encounter quarrels and no place to hide, and then feel irritable must be together and so on, this lack of alone way of living together, is likely to erode each other's patience with each other, boredom will also greatly increase.

Therefore, Miss Tiger reminded that cohabiting partners are in great need of establishing "rules", "I have a tacit understanding between my wife and I, will use "cat time" to express the need for sedation, sometimes I feel irritable, and she will say: "Wife, I may want cat time tonight" and vice versa, when she needs, will also express to me." 」

(You'll like it: Relationship homework | partners must have their own "cat time" alone)

He mentioned that building a habit of mutual respect and giving up the distance between "you" and "me" can create more air for the two worlds, and that more air can be more comfortable with each other.

Before we talk about how to manage relations and communicate well, the most important thing is to improve their own needs, only the individual is successful and rich, two people can get along and grow together.

"Anthony Robin, a world-renowned success mentor, once said a great thing, and he believes that there are six major needs for human nature, including stability, variability, importance, integrity, contribution, and growth. When we can take good care of these six needs, your inner will be rich, if you can seek to change in stability, your topic will be richer, people will be more spiritual. 」

Tiger teacher said, find the value of solitude and loneliness, the responsibility to adjust their own state back to their own hands, then you will be freer, the relationship between each other, will be more free.

Photo|Photo by Tom Ezzatkhah on Unsplash

(Same show: Prefer being alone to a friend's party?) Healing Illustration: Limited energy doesn't matter, enjoy the rhythm of your life)

Step 3: Install a real-world translator for yourself

With these two foundations in place, you'll be able to master the balance of your body and how to be alone, and then you can move on to the next step: install a real-life translator for yourself!

"When everyone is talking, there are subtexts behind them, " Mr. Tiger said, adding that when a person says, "I hate you the most", he is likely not to convey the meaning of the text surface, but a series of psychological reactions and feelings, but he has no way to express through words.

"I hate you the most" behind the phrase, may be saying ,"I am so angry, because I care so much about you, so I hope you also care about my feelings", if you can understand the speaker's current emotions, state, language to understand the meaning behind, then you will not be affected by the surface language, give feedback will be different. 」

Mr. Tiger explained that this ability to translate seems difficult, in fact, through practice gradually developed, in addition to the dialogue in the present constantly remind themselves, but also in the watching of plays, movies to do a third-party perspective exercise.

To analyze the psychological state behind the character, with the development of the plot to understand the relationship between language and emotions, you can gradually cultivate the ability of emotional insight, insight into emotions, from your own have a stable heart, clear boundaries, because you take care of yourself long before taking care of others, so you know when you should take on others, when to refuse, your boundaries will be very clear, will not be led by other people's emotions. 」

'Although it's not easy when emotions come, as long as you don't close your heart, try to hear deeper needs, and consciously try to make the relationship better, you're likely to put a brake on any node where the brawl takes place, ' Mr. Tiger said.

(Recommended reading: Why do you feel irritable when you're rejected?) Relationship lessons: identify the emotional needs behind negative emotions)

"In addition to translating others, you have to practice expressing your expectations more directly, and don't expect others to find out what you expect, because it's really hard." Mr. Tiger reminds you to take the initiative to say what you want, rather than expecting others to "guess", and vice versa, when you are confused about your partner's state, you can also ask the other person, "What do you want?" How can I help you? 」

When arguing, if you find that you can no longer focus on each other, you can also try to be the person who interrupts temporarily, and pluck up the courage to say to the other, "I want to interrupt and ask you, what do you need most in this conversation?" 」

As a result, you may find that many quarrels are unnecessary and can no longer last when meaningful expressions are taking place.

At the end of the lecture, Mr. Tiger pulled the focus back to the nature of communication.

"In fact, communication has no success or failure, only feedback. 'A lot of times, we all want a superhero to jump out and solve all the problems in one go with great decision-making and methods, but you'll find that many of the problems are structural and can't be easily eradicated, so it's better to accumulate more humble foundations than a great martial arts,' he said.

"These foundations can help you stack up first-order, and you can start to see each other from a higher perspective, using reason, balance, and really effective communication." Mr. Tiger reminded the audience that it is not skill that sustains relationships, but day-to-day coexistence and cultivation.