"Are you married?" "Do you have children?" In the face of rude non-professional questions, the psychologist three steps to help you mature to cope, rational solution

On July 8, 2021, women's fan "To the Future" embraces the energy of the lecture series to the last, inviting psychological counselor, women's fan station creator Lu Mei 妏 as the speaker, she will come to talk to readers about what is "gender inequality in life."

At the beginning, 妏 began with her story, "I was surprised that many readers asked me, have I ever been treated equally in terms of gender?" 'I believe that regardless of gender, age, and the way we grow up, live and work, we must have encountered unkind remarks and behaviors that sometimes make you feel offended, sometimes self-deprecating, and there will always be moments when stereotypes force you to start to doubt yourself,' she said with a laugh.

"I grew up hating the New Year very much, " mei 妏 began, referring to a scene that everyone will feel, she shared: "New Year's Day, the big family together, from the first day began to be all kinds of finger-pointing, elders will say: "Beauty 妏 ah, you grow up to be a civil servant, when a teacher, girls still want to find a stable job." From middle school to high school to college, these statements have been heard repeatedly.

Care is often turned into offensive language, such as "girls don't always run around", "in the continuation of marriage will not marry" and other statements, in our accustomed family relations, family gatherings, work pay environment, many of the "speaker heartless" words are very hurtful, the United States 妏 mentioned that these experiences can be frustrating, but also make people doubt their own.

(Extended reading: My story of conquering inequality| strive to create equality from inequality, through the night, the sky will always light up)

"The younger you are, the more angry you become, and there's a lot in your heart. 'As our minds mature and begin to understand the causes behind many inequalities, as well as the background and state of the speaker, you will slowly free yourself from anger and find a balance that can more rationally counterbalance your inner dissatisfaction and frustration, ' said Mei 妏 slowly.

"When it comes to gender, it is better to talk about sex than to have to "confront", "stand on the opposite side" or even "turn the other side's mind around", and sometimes to replace confrontation with co-operation to make people understand existing problems." Mei 妏 said.

When does the story of gender inequality end?

Many people will feel that the story of gender inequality will end when time goes on, when it grows up and becomes more capable, but is it true?

Shaking her head and talking about her experience at a major industry conference in China before the outbreak, the 妏 said: "I was the youngest speaker ever at the conference, and after the event there were a lot of psychological elders who cared about me and asked, "Are you married?" On the spot, I thought it was weird.

On the one hand, it's offensive to start asking about your private life in the face of an unfamiliar person, and on the other hand, in a business situation, the other person isn't talking about their profession, but rather more concerned about whether you're getting married or not. Mei 妏 mentioned this past, showing some really incomprehensible look, "I thought, in fact, I am not too anxious, thirty years old did not get married is not a big deal." She smiled and said that the world was more anxious than the parties involved.

"Later, I found that these predecessors were somewhat affected by things I had not married, began to question whether I had personality problems, too independent, difficult to get along with, and even finally extended to my professional doubts, as if not married can not assume the work of psychologists, life experience is less." Mei 妏 mentioned that such doubts in her back and forth in the major enterprises, campuses, events, there has never been less, and sometimes even the voice of doubt from the same female predecessors.

Whether male or female, whenever encountered "age should be married", "how you have no object", "is not ready to have children" such questions, often not to stir up the inner defense mechanism, otherwise it is speechless, unsuspecting to be put together, as if you have no way to answer these questions, you and society's expectations deviate, you are missing a piece, not a complete person.

With such events and voices on the rise, what kind of mentality should we have to deal with these uncomfortable situations?

Photo|photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash

(Same show: To 30-year-old you: If someone asks you why you're not married, please tell him how much you've done)

Three steps to help you mature to deal with other people's rude questions

"You can try to think, why do these people say these things, and they have these fingers?" The United States 妏 reminder that behind the shrill voice, there is always a cause to follow, in addition to the table with anger, you can think of one more layer: what exactly the other side in the process of behind the discussion, what do you want to get, prove what?

It's because such conversations make him feel empowered, or he adds to his superiority by demeaning you, or because he can create a sense of control and pleasure through such behavior, or because he's easily influenced by the people around him, who want to stand with others, who have a fear of jumping out of this worldly framework, and who feel safe by stereotypes.

These may be the causes behind these actions and voices, and when you look through them and understand them carefully, you will find that sometimes other people's comments have nothing to do with who you are, what you believe in, what kind of life you choose to live.

To overcome the state of being "led by each other's words" or "infuriated", 妏 believe that there are three ways to find a gentle, unaffected force for yourself at a time when the world is still not friendly to you.

1. Try to throw the other person's words back

"Are these people who make gender statements and do certain acts that hurt others have a lot of problems and burdens?" Perhaps all the attacks are not directed at you, have nothing to do with you, but rather these people's own issues, giving him these thorns, words and reactions. The 妏 believes that when we face these words and actions, the most important thing is not to be provoked.

"You know, the other side is certainly not against you, but on his own issues, to produce his behavior, you have to do is more mature and calm than he shows, once angry, but will make the other side catch you." 」

It'妏 s better not to be provoked by the other person's words and talk about it seriously instead: "For example, repeat the other person's words once and ask him, "So, do you think all women are emotional?" Why do you think men are less emotional? When you start to talk seriously with the other person, he tends to back down. 」

Try to throw the problem back, don't turn words into the key to opposition, because wherever there is opposition, the defense mechanism will be stimulated, the whole thing will start to be biased and irrational, communication will be difficult to sustain.

2. Try to turn anger into compassion in the face of disrespectful words

In addition to not being provoked, try to explore the meaning behind the other person's actions, "Sometimes when you think about it, you feel a little ridiculous, and maybe he is suffering and wronged in front of you, whether men and women have the power to fight for it, but it is hard to fight for, and maybe he is being "not allowed" to control it, to limit his imagination of things and create the present situation." 」

The U.S. 妏 mentions that when someone lives in a certain social context and worldview, and you burst into a barrage that only makes the other person angry and shocked, you might as well take a different approach: firm and clear positions, but respond with a good attitude. Sometimes replacing anger with softness can create more opportunities for change in the world you expect.

3. Don't let people who don't like it or don't matter affect you

Try to think about whether you are easily influenced by the gossip, criticism, and questioning of others.

"We can stand firm when we accept unkind comments and questions on any occasion, but don't get caught up in the cycle of emotions, don't get too frustrated about them, let alone offend and hurt others, and only when we become mature people can we be a force for change." The 妏 believes that it is important to draw a line between offensive words from these people, and if you have a lot of discomfort and inferiority, or if your own doubts about yourself have been ignited by the other person, remember to turn around and say to yourself, "Don't be influenced by unimportant people to believe in yourself." 」

Autonomy may sound difficult, but we all have it, male and female, whether in the workplace, family or relationships, we need to know what we want and don't want, and learn not to be influenced by others.

"A lot of people will ask if such an autonomous person is equal to a selfish person, " mei 妏 shook his head, noting: "We are afraid of changing from autonomy to selfishness, but there is a fundamental difference between the two, so-called autonomy, is to make choices and take responsibility for your own choices; 」

By distinguishing between autonomy and selfishness, you can become more neutral and balanced as an independent person, and you can tell what needs to be remembered and what needs not be taken to heart.

"If you learn to live a truly autonomous life, then "different from what others expect", that's someone else's prediction is wrong, it's not your fault, you know, in the face of gender issues we can be autonomous, as long as you are not selfishly let others sacrifice, these autonomy is allowed, sometimes, you have to catch and accept the disappointment of others." 」

(Recommended reading: How we move away from "love ourselves" step by step to meet social expectations)

In the face of gender inequality, the most powerful way is to love yourself more firmly

At the end of the speech, the 妏 looked firmly at the participants in front of the screen and concluded with a sentence: "Honey, the most powerful counter-attack in the face of gender inequality is to love yourself more firmly." 」

Of course, the system of collision and counter-attack is the basis of social progress, but when the issue of gender has been discussed so far, we have more ways to implement it in our daily lives, after all, we can not resist all the time, can not reverse the minds of all people, and that is why we need to have a firmer position.

"You feel valued in being, and you deserve the treatment you expect, and that's a firm action." 」

Mei 妏 mentioned, don't let the sorrow of the times, become your personal sorrow, "Perhaps our times have a lot of room for progress, gender equal rights also have a long way to go, perhaps the times have not progressed to fully respect each other's differences, but gentle, firm, do not stir up unnecessary struggle, does not mean that we have to be fully committed, so-called autonomy, is in their own field and scope, to do your ability to exert influence." 」