Do you think toxic relationships and barriers to two people have been caught in a vicious circle of blame, victimization, and salvation? But when you start trying to be aware, there's a chance to start changing.

On August 14, 2021, women fans held a "self-guided compulsory course" online session, inviting senior human resources experts and executive coaches, and Appier's global head of human resources, Philip Chan, to talk about how to move away from self-limitation and amplify their growth potential.

Everyone is a leader, and as long as he is responsible for his or her influence, he or she is the best leader.

Philip Chan

As soon as he opened, Philip opened up about the core of the lecture, saying that in every relationship, it's hard for us to change others, but to think about how to adjust ourselves, perceive ourselves, and lead better.

Philip then invites the participants to reflect on a relationship problem or challenge they encountered at work, in their lives, and how they faced and reacted. Philip then uses a set of content frameworks and patterns to dissect these scenarios.

He divides people's states into "offline" and "offline" according to brain structure.

Photo | Woman Fans of Self-Guided Essentials

Offline refers to the first human reaction, by the amygdala, that is, people have not yet reacted to the moment, because of the environment fear, fear, defense and other emotional responses;

Therefore, when a person is facing external stimuli in the environment, let the "offline" state control themselves, or let oneself back to the "online" guide themselves, will deeply affect the results of interpersonal relationships.

(You'll like: Satir's Communication Exercise: Every Word I Love You Has a Different Emotion Behind It)

Three roles in a relationship

Philip uses the "Kapman Drama Triangle" theory to interpret the three roles we play in relationships when we're offline.

First, the accuser, this type of character, blames others or themselves, right or wrong, then the victim, who feels he has no choice, is not responsible, and the good or bad is caused by others, and finally, the salvation, who feels better than the other person, tries to give the other person a short redemption method without teaching him how to fish.

After explaining, Philip asks you to try to figure out the posture, voice, and needs behind people as they enter this state by playing any role. After discussion, we gradually summarized the status of the three roles:

Accuser: Usually reach out and point at the other person, the muscles are tight. Want to win the other side, let the other side admit mistakes.

Victim: chest, caressing his chest, shrinking, crying, stiff limbs. Want to express grievance.

Saver: Reach out and pat/hug each other, with a slightly open chest and a more relaxed chest. A lot of words, want to help each other.

It is important to note that these roles are fluid, and each person may have taken turns playing these three roles in certain situations and relationships. Philip, for example, once thought that the savior was not bad until he found that the other person was increasingly dependent on himself and unable to grow, he developed a victim mentality, felt that his time was being taken away by others, and even blamed others.

Through this framework, Philip wants you to recall the first events mentioned, with what kind of mentality, role to face the scene of the event. Such self-leadership exercises reflect everyone's pattern of facing life and relationships.

Do you think toxic relationships and barriers to two people have been caught in a vicious circle of blame, victimization, and salvation? But when you start to be aware, there's a chance to start changing.

Photo|photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

(Extended reading:"In every love mistake, there is the right time" Savior, victim, escapee, what kind of are you? How do you love?

more consciously to the ground to themselves

The characters on the line are called "TED empowerment triangles" and are transformed from the three states below the line. The biggest difference between the two, says Philip, is whether people are "aware" and "conscious."

When the "starting point" changes in people's minds, the three roles in the relationship will be different:

Challenger (accusation change): Willing to challenge the other person/self, let the other person/own choice, even if the other person is not ready, everyone is responsible for their choice.

Creator (Victim Change): No longer feel like you have no choice, but believe that I can be responsible for this, I can change.

Coach (Savior Change): Instead of stepping in directly, choose to accompany the other person and assist from the sidelines, but the other side still retains the experience of self-growth.

From the above three roles, we can see that the key to adjustment lies in "yourself" and clearly kicks back the central theme of the lecture: "In relationships, we are the first to be responsible for ourselves."

Things are no longer just the other person's fault, they have no choice, or too involved in other people's problems, we can take back the lead, make a more constructive response to themselves, the relationship, create positive impact.

Other people's subjects, do not need to take their own repair, when the other side choose to stay in the "offline" state, we can still choose to stay in the "line", the first line is that when you see emotions, you can make a different choice.

Philip reminds you again that the character's behavior is not critical, but a starting point/motivation, and that when the needs behind it are very different, the body language that was previously rigid or recriminated will be presented differently.

After understanding the state of the line, offline, if you are now suffering from interpersonal relationships, what would you do?

Be aware of yourself, be aware of the effects of your own creations, and take responsibility for your own influences.

Philip Chan

Invite yourself to ask yourself from time to time, "Where is it now and what role are you playing?" When you perceive it, you have the opportunity to guide yourself into an "online" state and take responsibility for your own influence.