Li Lianglei sent out (should be the last) community open letter about divorce on December 22, what do you think?
During the working hours on December 23, Li Lianglei sent her last article, giving her response to netizens' response to the matter of "publicly talking about the wrong things done by the father of the child". What do you see and think about in these discussions?
We can't help but wonder if our society can have its own evolutionary possibilities, not only hoping that Li Lianglei will be better and more thoughtful?
Don't say it openly, it's better for children? This can be a thinking trap
In Li Lianglei's first open letter, I believe that many reading experiences are: while holding hands for Li Lianglei, she also thinks about it when she turns around, if you openly say that "the child's father" has done something wrong and violently conflicted, is it good for the child? If you don't do this, can you reduce the impact and harm to your child?
It is difficult to have an answer to this question, but from another angle: if Li Lianglei does not speak for herself, will it be better for the child? Or, when a mother feels that she is forced into a desperate situation, society is willing to imagine that the mother herself is an independent individual, with her own justice, needs, physical and mental health to maintain, and the way of maintenance may not be the most perfect method in everyone's mind. Perhaps we will find that none of these questions can have a clean and absolute answer.
However, what we know is that if a mother is long-term victimized by cold family violence and misunderstanding of public opinion, but cannot speak for herself, it is difficult for such a mother to be physically and mentally healthy, and it will also be harmful to her children.
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Women have long been expected to put their own care last, and many people tend to intuitively think that "women can sacrifice themselves and protect their children", regardless of whether the children will be better or not. We can't expect anyone to silence and sacrifice their physical and mental health for the sake of their children. Not the person concerned, nor her family, friends or resources around her, it is difficult to think of a "better yardstick" for her or her children.
If any woman or a man encounters this extreme condition, it is more important to provide a space to help them heal and grow up healthily. Avoid falling into the trap of over-the-fact thinking.
Counterfactual thinking, it is easy to occur after encountering an "uncontrollable disaster situation", people will fall into the thinking cycle of "if I do/don't do anything... whether there can be different results", which makes people feel that "the disaster is actually controllable", if they do it right, it will not happen. At the same time, to blame themselves, they want to give themselves control, and what people are most afraid of is to find that they can only let it happen.
This is a psychological concept that people tend to come up with different outcomes and assumptions about what has already happened, including "if I had been... there would not have been such an outcome." The results of counterfactual thinking can never happen in reality, because this idea and the results of thought are only related to what happened in the past. After encountering a special event, this idea is more often made.
Is the family ugly not exaggerated? It is not the shame of society that makes children ashamed
As a super celebrity, Wang Lihong's mistakes, or external communication, are doomed to rise to the perspective of everyone, and the impact will be huge and explosive, and it will also affect his children. Whether Li Lianglei talks about it publicly or not, the responsibility for hurting the child does not need to be mainly pursued by Li Lianglei.
Wang Lihong's children, no matter which way they go, will know his father's problems, which way to know, when to know, the injury may be different forms. Whether it will be smaller or not, no one can know.
If a child is humiliated by the vision of society, it is the responsibility of this society. However, the person who can be blamed is the person who can make change happen, so each of us has the power to change.
Perfect parents are myths, and the perfect solution doesn't exist
Li Lianglei's appearance makes people can't help but want to edit a "perfect image that is more in line with imagination" by "deleting some of her words and adding certain words". Society as a whole can't help but find a more ideal dialogue content or way to deal with this tricky situation.
However, the perfect solution, the perfect communication method, the perfect reaction, does not exist.
People often assume perfect parents for their own families and other people's families. Parents are people, they will make mistakes, they will conflict, they are usually not perfect, they are learning to be parents, this is the first time in their lives, and there is no end.
Authority can be wrong, parents will be wrong, and it is dangerous to face and adjust mistakes and maintain the sacredness of authority at all costs.
Why do some talented and powerful men keep making mistakes?
Li Lianglei mentioned in the last open letter that continuing to hide Wang Lihong's mistakes for the sake of his children will only allow him to continue to hurt himself, hurt others, and deprive him of the opportunity to be reborn.
We do see that around the world, as if there is no mechanism to effectively correct the "constant mistakes of men in power," people are too afraid of their belief and liking for "the talents of these people", being tainted and betrayed.
Coupled with peer protection, did not let the wrongdoer really know that he was not allowed to do so, holding the "talent x power", became a world-class pass, spoiled a group of people, lost the judgment, drove on the self-destructive highway, no speed limit, no one stopped, the more wrong, the more outrageous, the more people hurt.
And whether you agree with Li Lianglei's approach or not, her words are also worth pondering:
"There are no perfect people in the world, and there are no people who can't make mistakes. If parents pretend to be perfect, children will also think that their imperfections are a defect. Many children who know that their parents are imperfect or have done wrong things can still have a sound body and mind, and they can continue to maintain a close parent-child relationship with their parents, and there are many positive examples in society. I hope that our experience can become a mirror for children, so that children can believe that people will make mistakes, as long as they can bravely face their own mistakes, no matter what kind of trough they encounter, they can still have the resilience to be reborn through their own efforts."
Outsiders should not eat too much melon, and the child will inherit the parents' reactions and actions to the trauma
Li Lianglei hopes that she and Wang Lihong can all grow and recover from the wound in this opportunity, and the other face the fault and reborn, if they do not grow up like this as parents, their children may also have intergenerational trauma reactions. For example, she gives, a child who resents his mother for believing in the slander of his relatives and friends; for example, he feels that his mother has endured everything and wants to protect his mother and is opposed to his father and his father's relatives and friends, and even hurts others and hurts himself.
Intergenerational trauma refers to the transfer of trauma from the first generation of survivors of traumatic events to their next generation, or the next generation of trauma, through the mechanism of PTSD (Comprehensive Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a process also known as Transumaal Traction of Trauma.
Giving them the space to heal will make her and her children healthier. In the same way, we also hope that Wang Lihong can see what he has done wrong after a period of time and start over. His growth will also help his children grow.
Don't get too into the drama, imagine yourself li lianglei, can do better. We don't have to make better choices and actions for her, we just need to be responsible for our own choices, eat melon for too long, have to eat dinner, focus on managing our own relationships and lives, in fact, the most important. I also wish everyone who sees you here, and may each of us in the coming year be physically and mentally safe, growing, beautiful because of resilience, lovely and colorful because of love.