Sophia Wu, Senior Communication Expression Coach. He has a master's degree in English teaching from Warwick University in the United Kingdom, an ICF International Coaching Union-Satir model certification training in the United States, and is also a mother who has long-term dialogue and communication with teenagers, parents and business executives.
She has more than 20 years of teaching experience, has held more than 400 workshops, and has worked hard in the fields of briefings, speeches, communication, dialogue and other fields, which has been recognized and welcomed by students.
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In the endless quarrel, because of the words of the five-year-old child, he looks for the dawn of communication
"In the past, my husband and I often had a lot of arguments," Teacher Wu Jiazhen used her life story at the beginning of the interview to slowly explain to us the dilemma of her life and the reason for going to the communication coach.
When the child was young, she and her husband often quarreled, "It is inevitable that there will be quarrels between husband and wife, but we really can argue about anything all the time!" 」 Now Wu Jiazhen smiled while thinking back.
However, this was very uncomfortable at the time, and often needed to endure in front of the child, but still accidentally saw the scene of his parents arguing. The struggle in my heart has not been able to find a solution, and the negative mixture of emotions and life has been unable to balance for a long time.
Once, when queuing outside the restaurant, the two disagreed and quarreled, and the child who was only 5 years old at the time jumped out and said, "Okay, you two don't quarrel, one is the boss, the other is the teacher, they are very powerful, is this okay?" OK？」
When others heard the fairy tales, they thought it was cute and funny, but Wu Jiazhen's heart was full of reflection, and she thought, "Oh my God! How could my child say such an over-age thing, and then we are so old that we need a 5-year-old child to persuade us to fight...
So she was determined to find a real solution, and she didn't want to argue with her partner like this anymore!
Photo | Photo by Ushico on PIXTA
After that argument, Wu Jiazhen actively looked around for courses related to partner communication and psychology, hoping to improve the way she talked to her husband.
In the process of searching for various types, she found satyr iceberg theory, and even felt very kind to this way of communication, and even thought that this theory was her "home".
"I would tell the students that Satir is actually just one of many ways to communicate," and the students who would come to the lecture were almost all diligent and studious, and each person's different personalities and different problems would guide them to a method that they felt was most suitable.
Therefore, Wu Jiazhen encourages everyone to listen to each theory, although some theories will fight with each other, and some theories are common to each other, but as long as you continue to search, you will eventually find the one that best fits the pulse of your life - so you find "your home" and settle down.
(Extended reading: Reconcile with yourself, Satir Therapy: Those who have not received love in the original family, I can come by myself )
Satyr's theory, from self-awareness to learning to speak
From endless quarrels with partners to embarking on the road to finding communication, we can't help but wonder why, among the many theories, satir was chosen as "home", and even further cultivated this field, and was also certified by the ICF International Coaching Federation - Satir model in the United States?
Wu Jiazhen nodded and shared that among Satur, there are two points that can settle people's bodies and minds and communicate well:
1. Be self-aware and look for the lack of life
This can start by asking yourself two small questions
- What kind of person are you?
- What is missing in life?
"Self-awareness" is important because only by clarifying the above two questions can we understand what our life issues look like, rather than constantly looking in the wrong direction. Because the more things are usually lacking, the stronger the desire to pursue, even so strong that they are out of balance, and conflict occurs.
For example, if there is a lack of money in the life of the rich, he will try to make money, but he will make money in the wrong way, and the result will be dangerous; If there is a lack of love in life, he will very much want to find love, but find the wrong person in the wrong place, and then physically and mentally hurt.
Image | Photo by mahamudul hasan on Unsplash
2. Teach everyone how to speak
Only 15% of a person's career success depends on his professional skills, and the other 85% depends on interpersonal relationships and world skills.
Wu Jiazhen pointed out a workplace problem, one of the key factors that many people want to change jobs is because they can't get along with colleagues or supervisors, because more than 90% of the unhappiness in life comes from dissatisfaction with interpersonal relationships.
After knowing yourself, you can use the most appropriate way to communicate with others, reduce the situation of poor communication, or blindly blame others.
For example, Satir mentioned 5 communication postures, one of which is called "accusatory type".
For example, if you are a person who speaks very strongly and aggressively, but because you are not aware of this matter, every time you communicate with someone, the other party will impatiently talk back, but in fact, it is not necessarily the other party's problem, but the way you speak is easy to provoke the other party, and the result may not be certain.
So in speaking, one of the tools to use is To say Vipassana and learn how to talk to others – all in detail in the lessons.
Wu Jiazhen explained in detail, and used various life examples to illustrate, we can't help but feel that this may be the reason why the teacher can open more than 400 related workshops and win the affirmation and popularity of the students.
(Want to see more: Obviously love him but he speaks evil words?) 13 charts to take you to understand Satile's iceberg theory)
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Starting with "My Message", you can see the emotions hidden under the sea level of the iceberg
The wonderful course has not yet begun, in the interview stage, is there a little thing to give us "smell" first? So in the laughter, Wu Jiazhen continued to share generously.
"Before the class, I will give lecture notes, and in the class, I will also give you a form similar to the 'Iceberg Diary', as a tool for myself to practice in the future," the combing of emotions needs to be guided by methods, under the seemingly huge iceberg, there are actually more things hidden underneath, through the tools, you can help yourself comb through the communication dilemma.
Then there is the use of the "iMessage" sentence pattern, so that when our mood fluctuates sharply, we can also let others know what their emotions are at the moment, what your expectations are, and what your views are, "This method is very important and not simple, you must practice it a lot!" 」 Wu Jiazhen stressed it very seriously.
She immediately gave a very situational example to make a deeper explanation: for example, today the husband came back very late, the wife could not be contacted all day, waited in the living room for a long time, then when the husband stepped into the house... Usually in this case, what will the wife say with the first sentence?
Usually people's first reaction is emotional, and it is easy to adopt a questioning tone: "Why don't you answer the phone?" "Do you think I won't have to go to work tomorrow?" And even extends infinitely: "Have you ever taken me to heart?" Never loved me?"
However, in fact, the real message in everyone's heart is "I am very worried", but it is often accidentally wrapped up with negative words, ruining the intention to cherish each other.
(Same scene: "He always wants to arm himself" Satyr communication practice: how to face the hedgehog type family? ）
Photo | Photo by Bel R on Unsplash
If you look at the "iMessage" sentence pattern, you can divide it into the following 4 sentences:
- The first is "situation": "When I don't know where you are so late...
- The second is "emotion", that is, "I feel very confused and worried..."
- The third is "opinion": "Because I don't think you usually lose contact, there must be some reason, so I am very nervous..."
- The fourth is "anticipation": "I hope that the next time this happens again, will you try to find a way to call me?"
After the teacher's clear explanation, the "emotional iceberg" of the wife in the story was parsed out, so that the other party could fully receive the wife's worries and real points of view, "but this requires a lot of practice, and this sentence pattern will be practiced together on the day of the course." Again, none of these stories seem as simple as they seem.
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Choose to deal with emotions first, and then decide to be a free and happy person
Part of Satile's theory has been reminding everyone to "deal with the mood before dealing with things", which simply means that if both are angry now, don't talk first.
How to understand this? In the quarrel story at the beginning of this article, the 5-year-old child has grown up and become a teenager, so Wu Jiazhen takes his son as an example.
"One year on Mother's Day, we went camping in the mountains with a couple of families, and early in the morning I was excited and I asked my son, 'Do you know what day it is?'" Her son didn't realize it, so she hinted that today is Mother's Day, is it to express something?
Unexpectedly, my son replied unsympathetically: "You women expect a lot from others every time, do you have to affirm your value through others giving you gifts or saying a certain sentence?" 」 Wu Jiazhen perceived that this sentence was likely a child imitating his father's way of speaking, and the interaction mode of people was indeed imitated from the original family, like a photocopier.
"In fact, you will respond to others in some ways, these patterns are also imitated from your original family, advanced courses I will take you to trace your original family, this is very interesting, you will become today's you, such a communication mode, sometimes like a photocopier." 」
Although he understood the origin of the original family, Wu Jiazhen was actually very unhappy at that moment, because it was completely different from the original expectation. However, the usual "Satir" practice quickly made her aware that there was a fire in her stomach, so she chose to calm her emotions, not saying any words of blame or complaint, but expressing her frustration in a different way.
She first calmed herself down before going to talk to her son, and found that the son who was not scolded was willing to turn back to focus on his mother, understood the purpose of his mother's strange question and was softly received by the emotions of the son, and also knew how to respond well and talk about his feelings about being asked, so a family conflict on the campground was so perfectly resolved, and everyone was happy.
(Guess what you want to see: Satir's Communication Exercises: Guided Conversations, Catching Emotions Your Child Can't Handle)
Wu Jiazhen wants to emphasize through this story that in the moment of emotional surge, don't try to solve the problem first, it is usually easier to say that it is worse.
The first is to deal with their own mood, the second is to deal with each other's mood, and then deal with that matter when both people are emotionally stable.
Satir's spirit is called "choice and freedom," and we have a lot of choices, and in the moment of anger or sadness, there is not only one choice.
We can choose to continue to indulge in negative emotions, or we can choose to leave and choose a way to make ourselves happier. When we understand self-awareness, we have a choice right now; When you start to have choices, you are a free person.
When you start to have choices, you are a free person who can be happier.