Jingfang, who once wrote about the struggle of youth and the pain of growth with "Taipei Girl", published a new work "The Birth of the Epidemic". She went through miscarriage and pregnancy and understood that the operation of heaven and earth has its own truth, and we only need to feel the creation of new life between the flows.
In July 2021, Taiwan is struggling to survive the pandemic, and the Tokyo Olympics, which have been delayed for a year, are like a rare celebration, and the world can finally rejoice and applaud.
Xu Jingfang in front of the screen, looking at Xiao Dai's balls that came and went and xiaolin hit back one by one, suddenly got a realization: "The meaning of life is that you take care of the ball in front of you, you can't think about the front and back, or you want to win or lose."
"I have a ball every month."
At that time, she had just experienced a miscarriage, looked forward to life for a long time, and stayed for a week before leaving. Watching the blood gushing out of her lower body, she cried, was shocked, and angry—but in the end she could only feel this life experience and accept that the body had released the fertilized egg.
"The quality control of the womb is very strict, but I am indeed a strict character." Jingfang later recalled and made such a self-deprecation. To know how to laugh at yourself is to reconcile with suffering, and for a long time, she even said:
My miscarriage was lucky, and after the miscarriage, I became deeper connected to my body.
In the year of the pandemic, she walked through miscarriage and pregnancy, and also re-nourished her body and mind at a time when everything was still. Feeling a sense of anger reborn after the calamity, she began to write "The Birth of the Epidemic", taking us to see that between the movement of heaven and earth, there is its own truth, we do not have to understand, just feel, wait and watch the flow between, the creation of the new life.
(Extended reading: [Xu Jingfang's column] Living elsewhere )
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
Miscarriage is not taboo, it's a reality I've experienced
Jingfang, who once made a splash with "Taipei Girls" and wrote about the struggle of youth and the pain of growth, received a postdoctoral degree in political science from the University of Toronto in Canada and returned to Taiwan as an academic worker. Day and night reading literature, combing textures, trying to see the world a little more clearly, and then using their own words, little by little to guide others.
The woman grew into a woman, and Jingfang and her partner took root in Taipei and began to build their own family in preparation for pregnancy.
But she did not expect that she would experience two miscarriages before the third pregnancy.
"The first miscarriage, I actually had no emotional ups and downs. If it weren't for the fact that I was trying to conceive, I might have thought it was just a normal menstrual period and wouldn't have known that life had ever come." The body said to let go, without any struggle and difficulties, so that she began to see the strangeness of the body.
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
The second pregnancy, because of the preparation for a long time, when two lines appeared on the pregnancy test stick, she was very happy. It was a busy week, and after the completion of her key projects, she went to the obstetrics and gynecology department with great anticipation, but she got unexpected information - she could not find the embryo sac for implantation.
She got pregnant again, and the two lines from three or four days ago became one line. The doctor told her, "Just wait, if you are pregnant, it will naturally develop."
When she woke up that Saturday morning, Jingfang found herself bleeding slightly, and summoned the yoga teacher, who said let's go online or go online, let's do the fetal asana. Subconsciously, Jingfang felt as if she were surrounded by a large group of women, crying and praying, including Jingfang's mother, who curled up in her mother's arms.
After yoga class, a large amount of blood flows out and the miscarriage is confirmed. That afternoon, Jingfang experienced a violent emotion, "I began to blame myself, blame my partner, as if by catching war criminals, I found a reason to blame, I can know what to do next time." 」
But no one knows why life came and went, "In retrospect, I'm glad I took yoga class that morning and helped me steadily explore my emotions." 」 After an afternoon, Jingfang felt that the storm was gradually subsiding: "The experience is really over, my body is not much pain, not even more uncomfortable than the menstrual period." 」
She later thought, I still have one chance every month, I have had a miscarriage, indicating the ability to get pregnant naturally! Jingfang took zhuang Zhiyuan's words at the Olympic Games to heart: "Losing a game is winning a game, you get the same thing."
Miscarriage and pregnancy, you are experiencing the comings and goings of life.
Writing this miscarriage experience into the book and sharing it with readers, Jingfang said:
I never thought miscarriage was taboo, it was something I experienced, so I wrote it.
Just like her academic research, use her own words to guide others little by little.
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
Life comes and goes, I really don't know
The third pregnancy was successful, and now Jingfang's pregnancy has entered thirty-eight weeks, and she is about to be born.
After pregnancy, Jingfang obviously felt that her body was more likely to get tired. Former perfectionist and desperate, Saburo began to realize that she could not work the same way she did when she was not pregnant.
When she used to wake up at seven in the morning, she could sit at her desk and work all the way to noon, "but now at eleven o'clock, I feel like I really need to sleep." 」 This is until two or three o'clock in the afternoon. If it had been in the past, she might have picked up a rattan and whipped herself to be lazy, but now she knows, "My body is already very supportive of me."
While nurturing life and accompanying her to complete her work, she was proud for the first time that she really had a good body.
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
In the past, when I was dancing in college, or participating in running competitions, Jingfang always thought: "The body is the tool I use to pursue, and what I can do with this body, I will always push forward and show."
Because there is a pursuit, when you can't ask for it, you are even more hurt and lost. Jingfang once disliked her body very much, "Why are her legs thick, why is her lower abdomen prominent, why is her physical strength not good, why can't she be more efficient?"
"I still don't like where to go now," Jingfang said with a smile.
"But when I went through pregnancy and miscarriage, and my body was still calm, supporting me to go through a special moment of life without thinking about it, I felt such a powerful force, obviously not from my free will, from my body." 」
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
The previous relationship with the body was condescending, and she rode on her own body and asked her to conquer those achievements; But now she feels that her relationship with her body has become "walking side by side", trusting what the body wants to take her to experience, she just has to follow.
"Because I know nothing!" When Jingfang said these words, she seemed to have discovered the great secret between heaven and earth, and she must have been earnest.
"Like why did she let go of that fertilized egg?" Why can this one stay now? I really don't know." Admitting that she does not know is something that many people feel ashamed of, but Jingfang's frankness shows a kind of "knowing": the operation of life, no one can hold in their hands, perhaps from a higher point of view, loss is a kind of love.
When you face the unknown, if you are afraid and worried, you will want to control, and finally find that it is futile, and you will be even more frustrated and heartbroken. So Jingfang said, "Fortunately, I don't have to know, my body knows."
Jingfang and the body, like the green plum bamboo horse who grew up together, are disgusted by familiarity, but also because of familiarity and understanding, quarrel around and come back, and find that each other is a girlfriend.
(Extended reading: Notes on the Life of a Woman Living Alone: Learn to Be Honest, Forgive the World and Yourself )
Photo courtesy | Xu Jingfang
"But I still have attachment, it is a habit, some of the moment still can't be put away, just wait for a while and then relax." 」 I don't want to make everyone think that she is already a "detached person", there is no dust, Jingfang finally gently reminds everyone that those you don't like yourself do not have to completely improve and disappear.
Anyway, the flow of life will bring you new experiences, new experiences will bring new insights, and eventually you will understand that we are all part of the natural operation of heaven and earth.