"Understand yourself before you can understand your child": Open the door to parent-child communication with DiSC

Q1: Could Gwen please tell us a little bit about your career background and what inspired you to get involved with DiSC?

I have been in the field of human resources for almost 20 years, the first ten years were in the technology industry as human resources, in 2016 I started my own business, from in-house human resources to corporate consultants, assisting start-ups and second-generation enterprises to develop talent strategies, and I am also a corporate training lecturer for companies such as Google, Microsoft, LINE, CHANEL, IKEA, etc.

At the beginning of the business, many business owners approached us as consultants and said straight to the point, "Come and help me see, who can use these cadres?" This made me very honestly scared, because I always believed that there was no one who couldn't be used, only someone who wasn't put in the right place.

Unlike in-house HR, consultants don't have as much time to spend with people for a long time, so I deeply feel that I need a tool that can provide insights quickly and have credibility and validity. This insight should not just be my subjective feelings, but can provide a more objective and comprehensive understanding of the business owner's team members.

So, I asked three very senior seniors in the HR circle who are passionate about various interpersonal style tools, and they shared different assessment tools, such as MBTI, Hogan, Lumina, DISC, etc. I asked them, "If I had limited time and could only choose a tool that was practical, easy to use, and could help me quickly grasp the characteristics of talent, which one would you recommend?"

Unexpectedly, the three of them unanimously recommended Everything DiSC. Without hesitation, I signed up for the certification class at the end of 2016 and successfully obtained the international consultant qualification, which also started the DiSC practice journey for nearly ten years.

Q2: With so many assessment tools, what is the uniqueness of DiSC?

Actually, all tools can help with self-awareness, but I think DiSC is particularly effective in the field of "human interaction and relationship building", and it has two important characteristics:

First, it's very simple and easy to make. Don't underestimate this, many tools, although powerful in theory, are often not remembered or used after learning. In contrast, DiSC is not only easy to understand, but also easier to "remember, take away, and actually use", which is very important for students.

Second, it is particularly suitable for communication and collaboration. As a consultant, I am often asked to assist companies with team communication issues, and DiSC provides a very systematic approach to help us understand each other's style differences more quickly and find ways to work together more smoothly.

DiSC has a low threshold for understanding, and ordinary people can quickly master it with simple training, without memorizing too many complex theories, helping students to apply and make tools truly help.

Q3: At present, DiSC is mostly used in the workplace, and is it applied to the particularity of parent-child relationships, and are there any risks that need special attention?

In fact, Everything DiSC was designed from the beginning to be limited to the workplace. It applies to all relationships – partner, family, parent-child, friend or community – are all places where it can make a difference.

In the process of leading enterprise courses, I often find an interesting phenomenon: after many students have learned DiSC, the application scenario they most want to bring back is not the office, but the home. They would ask me, "Can I use this method to get along with my partner/child?"

DiSC not only helps us understand the people we work with, but also helps us to see more deeply the differences and possibilities in every relationship around us.

One of the most important reminders in tool applications is to "avoid labeling", which can change our exploration of others from an open-minded and curious attitude to a closed-minded and rigid judgment. When you put a "you are like this" label, you lose the possibility of getting to know each other better.

This tendency should be avoided especially in the parent-child relationship, because children will react and grow differently at different ages and situations, so their communication styles and behavior patterns may change. If parents are too quick to label, it will limit their children's developmental space, which is why "keeping openness and curiosity" is especially important in parent-child interactions.

Q4: What are the most common communication challenges encountered in parent-child relationships? And how does DiSC play a role in this?

There are three types of most common parent-child communication conflicts:

1. No consensus: each speaks its own words, and neither side wants to listen to the other
2. White-hot conflict: Emotional disputes caused by differences in perceptions
3. Cold treatment and alienation: no longer communicating with each other, entering a state of cold war

DiSC can help us understand our differences in style, so we can adjust our communication and improve our relationships.

I share a personal experience where my partner is CD style and our kids are S style. CD is a style that prefers logic, efficiency, and problem solving; S is about emotion, safety, and atmosphere. They are spectrally diagonal, that is, the preferences are completely different.

Once, when a child made a mistake in the learning process, my partner naturally asked directly, "How did this happen? What did you do?" For him, it was just a very rational question, not angry.

But for our children, this kind of direct questioning is very stressful, and the whole head is thinking, "Daddy is angry? What should I do?" Instead, they can't think about how to answer questions. And the silence and silent reaction further angered Dad.

This example made me realize that even love and care can be hurtful if not styled. On the contrary, as long as you are willing to understand and change the way, you can make the dialogue between parents and children smoother, and they are more willing to open up to each other.

Q5: Does the child's style change with age? How do parents observe and respond?

Sometimes the change in style is not necessarily "changed", but he already has these qualities, but there is no situation to trigger them in the past. In this case, what parents should do is to put aside "expectations", because there is no good or bad style itself, and we also need to let go of the value judgment of style.

When a child grows up, he is exposed to more and more people and things, and these will become factors that shape his style. Through observation and conversation, you can understand what is happening in the outside world, whether he is experiencing stress, new friends or new experiences, which may be triggering his changes.

Therefore, I think one of the most important things for parents is to always be curious about their children.

The change in style is actually a good signal to remind you to understand that his situation has changed. It's not about getting better or worse, it's about how you adjust the way you interact with him.

What parents need to do is to "wonder" about what's happening in your child's world recently, so that you can know how to adjust the way you communicate and collaborate with your child.

Q6: So if the interaction at home is fixed, how to break this pattern?

I've always felt that DiSC is a good conversation start. But for the conversation to really happen, the premise is that parents must first create an atmosphere in which their children are willing to speak.

Take my interaction with my son as an example, I am i style, and the expression is outgoing and direct. If I "force him to speak" in my own way, it will often only make him want to run away more, and in the end, he will not say a word and hide back in his room to slide his phone. It's not that he doesn't want to say it, it's that I'm using the wrong method.

On the other hand, some children are happy to share, but if parents respond coldly, they can also feel frustrated and feel that they are not being caught. This is actually the difference caused by the difference in style.

I once brought a C-style mom and her daughter was quintessentially i-style. The mother obviously cares about her daughter very much, but her daughter always thinks she is cold. In fact, each of us feels about "temperature" subjectively, the same sentence and the same expression are already very warm and caring for C-style mothers, but for i-style children, they may still feel too rational and lack emotional connection.

This mother later shared with me that she came home from class that day and took the initiative to say to her daughter, "Mom seems to understand you better after class today. It turns out that what I said in the past will make you think that I don't care enough about you."

I also reminded her that there is no need to force herself to "act very high", because children can feel what is real and what is pretending.

You don't need to be someone else, just show your understanding and care, and it will make a big difference.

Q7: What specific content do you hope students will gain in this class?

I think there are three most important takeaways.

• Style Framework: An in-depth explanation of the DiSC framework so that learners can understand their own and their child's style and needs.
• Practice: According to the style tendency, provide specific and feasible methods, so that students can practice and adjust.
• Effective action: As long as you are willing to do it, it will definitely be effective, and with the right method, communication will be smoother.

For example, there are design exercises in the curriculum to design "positive ways for each child's style".

Because "affirmation" and "praise" are points that need to be aligned with what the other party cares about, if I say something that you don't care about, it won't move you, and it won't make you feel my affirmation of you. So we'll explore how to find expressions that really touch different children's styles.

In fact, it is the key to positive parenting, through skills and exercises, so that parent-child interaction can be more in place.

Q8: Could Gwen please share a message for the parents who participated in this class?

Woolf: "More than anything else, a person can make himself who he is."

This sentence is not original to me, but it has always been believed in by me on the road of parenting. I used to say "be a better version of yourself", but now I prefer to say "be a better version of yourself".

As the first mentor in a child's life, our task is to accompany and guide them to become themselves, because every child is the best version of himself, and we do not want him to become what others expect, but to help him continue to shine in life.