You talk about everything—the weather, dinner, who takes out the trash; But when was the last time you seriously asked him, "How have you been lately?" This post is about how to truly express our daily conversations to each other's hearts.
What to have for dinner, did you pick up your package, what time you came home today—over the course of a day, you sent dozens of messages, knowing each other's schedules inside out, yet it seemed increasingly hard to explain what the other had been bothering you lately. Many couples who have been together for a long time have moments like this: the conversation keeps coming, but the heart feels a bit distant.
Psychologist John Gottman tracked a group of newlyweds for six years and found that partners often send out small "invitations to connect," such as a smile, a wink, or a desire to hear your opinion. Couples who remain married later turn around and respond to these invitations 86% of the time; while those who divorce later average only 33%. The difference often lies in these insignificant moments.
Exercise 1 | Pick up the small signal: put down your phone and ask one more question, "And then?"
When someone casually shares a small matter or suddenly says, "I'm so tired today," you can just say "Oh" and keep scrolling on your phone, or look up and ask, "What's wrong?" Gottman calls the latter "turning around to face" the other person. Next time he sends this signal, try putting down your phone and looking at him, then ask again, "And then?" , letting him know you're listening.
Exercise 2 | Deep Discussion from Easy Questions: 36 Intimate Experiments
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron asked two strangers to take turns answering 36 questions, divided into three groups, each more personal than the last. Compared to groups that only discussed superficial topics, they felt a stronger sense of closeness afterward. Couples can start a conversation like this: pick a light, warm up topic, start the conversation, and then move on without immediately discussing the deepest topics.
Exercise 3 | When you ask a question, you answer it: make the conversation more exchange-active
If you always ask and answer alone, chatting can easily turn into an interview. Berkeley's Greater Good study summarized 36 questions and mentioned that two people taking turns answering is more helpful than one person answering all questions at once. So after asking each other, share your own answers, and the two will gradually get to know each other's frequency.
Image source: Womany 'Relationship Synchronization Card (Chinese and English)
Tonight, you can start with these three questions: start with a warm up and have a slow conversation with a deeper conversation
Warm-up question: Think back to your last day off, what did you do? Go deeper: What have you been happiest or least happy lately? Evenings you want to have a good chat: Do you remember when we had a deep conversation last time? What did you talk about? You don't need to plan your time in particular. It's easy to talk about things like before dinner, before washing the dishes, putting your phone far away before bed, or when you're not in a rush for brunch on weekends; It's okay to just talk about one topic when you're tired. (Question taken from 'Relationship Sync Card Chinese and English Versions')
Image source: Womany 'Relationship Synchronization Card (Chinese and English)
If you want to make such conversations more accessible, womany has 99 question cards, 5 themed experience cards, and 5 function cards in Chinese/English, with questions ranging from easy to advanced, each printed in Chinese and English, so you can play together in any language you are comfortable with. The original (all Chinese) has sold over 10,000 copies, and the questions are designed by counseling psychologists with professional counseling. It is a daily tool for couples to communicate and cannot replace professional counseling.
FAQ
Q: You talk every day, so why do you still feel like you don't understand each other?
Because daily conversations mostly stop at schedules and to-dos, rarely talking about feelings. Catch the small signals the other person sends and then take turns talking about topics from simple to deep; only then will understanding gradually accumulate.
Q: What does Gottman mean by "response signals"?
It refers to whether you respond with attention when your partner sends you a link invitation (a single sentence or an emoji). In Gottman's newlywed follow-up study, 86% of couples who remained married responded, while only 33% of those who later divorced responded.
Q: What if there's not much to talk about?
You can start with a fixed question or use a designed question card to gradually discuss from a relaxed topic to the heart.