Three kinds of attachment patterns that affect love! Using psychology to find a feeling of security

"If you love me, and I love you, the result is still a distance, then leave still beautiful." If I love you, but you love yourself more, I think that is not my problem. That's just, modern love. --Cai Jian ya, if you love Me

We've all been in love, and we've had a few deep falls in love and a lot of falling experiences. Every time, we all believe that they must be closer to the people, but always let the same story in love, and finally to the tragic end, resulting in more and more you do not believe in love, more and more dare not to love people. (Recommended you see: You do not love, but do not want to hurt again )

Honey, have you ever wondered why you always fall in love with a similar person, or do you always make the same mistakes in love? Two people together, obviously still love, but why the more efforts to running-in, but the more grinding more not and? There may be a lot of answers to these questions, but let's use psychology to solve the puzzle today.

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In fact, all of this may be your attachment to the form of the quietly haunting. The theory of attachment in psychology (attachment theory), first proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby, studies the interaction between infants and mothers, and divides the results into three categories: safe attachment, evasive attachment, and anxiety-type attachment.

In the 1987, Hazan and Shaver Two scholars, for the first time to apply the theory of attachment to adult relationships, and found that the interaction between parent-child attachment form, and lover's attachment to form a positive correlation. In other words, if the baby period is an escape-type attachment, it is likely to enter into a partnership, there is also the characteristics of escape attachment. Next, let's take a look at what kind of attachment you are to a lover, away from the same mistakes in love. (same field Gayon: love, most afraid of repeating )

1. Security attachment: Thank you for loving me, let us be each other's dependence

"I love you, and I Believe you love Me." 」

Confessions of a Secure attachment: I enjoy intimacy and trust that I can count on him and not worry that he will suddenly abandon me or feel that we are too close. If I have any difficulties, he will help me, because he is so reliable in my eyes, I feel loved every day, but also deeply love him!

If you can confidently say this confession, you are probably lucky to be a safe-loving attachment. In general, security-type attachment people are more satisfied with their relationships. In childhood, you think of parents as their own backing, so that they can boldly stride forward, no worries to explore the world, because you know, if one day accidentally injured, shed tears, family will always be the first to rush to give you a big hug. (Extended reading: hug your inner child!) To always ask oneself to be strong and independent of you )

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"The gap between dreams and reality, sometimes let you feel discouraged, the world is relentless, as long as you remember me here with you." My dearest you, the most true one, always keep loving You, with the dream forward, cherish the original hot heart, dearest you. --Fanfan, dearest you.

As a result, when you enter a partnership, there is also a sense of security. The deep links between the two, let you have the courage to let your partner free development, chasing dreams. Although the two independent souls, but each other to play the supporting role of each other, is a safe haven for each other, when someone in the outside world feel frustrated, will certainly seek the other half of comfort, and believe that their needs, can be satisfied by each other.

2. Escape attachment: I want to be close to you, I want to run away from you

"I don't like to say anything about the family, it's my own business." 」

"Can you please not ask?" 」

"I want to be alone." 」

The confession of an evasive attachment: I don't like people being too close to me, and I often feel nervous and uncomfortable when I find someone who wants to share something deep with me, or if I want to open my heart to him. It is not easy for me to establish intimate relationships, it is difficult to trust others, and it is hard for me to rely on others, to put the weight of my life on another person, is not a terrible and heavy thing?

Escape-type attachment, the habit of pulling away from their own emotions, and even the pursuit of false independence, the other half of the love showed a diffuse indifference, and this false independence, but only Phantom, after all, people are born to need intimate links. This type of person, though probably deeply in love with the other half, denies the importance of the loved one, and can even easily dispose of it and draw off the feeling. Hey, are you an evasive attachment? (Look together: Why didn't you tell me?) Taboo, deception and evasion in love

"Like the gloomy weather, this cup of coffee and this cigarette, you and my low-key atmosphere, is the only contradiction." The reflection in the window, is really the same two people? The bubbles rising in the cup still disappear. I don't want to be a compass, maybe you should learn to believe in your own sense of direction. "--1976〈 Sense of direction

When you encounter a very emotional scene, you always seem unusually calm, as if pressed the emotional termination of the key, the whole person out of action. If the other side threatened "you so I really sad, I want to break up with you!" "So," Oh, that's it, I don't care. "It's possible to say it from your mouth," he said. In your indifferent appearance, hidden is deep contradictions and pain, you do not care, often is the heart inferiority complex.

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The pain of an escapist attachment is that the person you most want to find solace in is the one who is most afraid of intimacy. "If you feel rejected, you may be able to cling to the other half for comfort, but you will soon feel tied to the intimacy and try to flee."

May evade the attachment often defends for oneself, thinks oneself is a ability will complete the emotion to cut, easily gives up the emotion the Centers, but you not only deceives other people to have this kind of ability, also often even oneself also was cheated to fall. Evasive attachment often live in a very contradictory state, you are afraid of people you care about too close, but do not want the other side away from their own, when you love someone too much, resulting in the inability to draw away from the emotions, to maintain distance, you will feel very afraid. (Hey, dear: Brave to leave!) Five types of men who shouldn't fall in love

If you happen to be an evasive attachment, the tighter you get, the quicker you run. "Difficult to explain to escape this relationship" is the most common escape personality situation.

3. Anxiety-Type attachment: Can you love me?

"Can you pick me up from work?" No, it's okay, really. 」

"I love this band, but you're not interested in this concert, are you?" Actually, I can get someone else to come with me! 」

"Hey ... Do you really, love me? 」

Confessions of an anxious attachment: I always feel that the person I love doesn't love me as much as I love him. I often worry about the day he will suddenly not love me, I do not believe that commitment, I think the commitment is to be dashed. I really want to be closer to him, but why do I hold the tighter, he ran farther? Sure enough, he doesn't love me at all, and I don't deserve to be loved.

Do these ideas often appear in your head? In the dead of night, can't sleep, but suddenly have a deep sense of insecurity hit, so you can not help but call wake the other half, but let the other party feel you unintelligible? Anxiety-type attachment, the most common situation is to try to establish a good love with their partner, you do not like the security of the attachment to feel the true love of a partner, so often appear emotional emptiness, always want the other half to "save" or "complete" themselves. (Recommended reading: don't wait for the prince to save, the princesses to fight their own battles )

You try to be close to the other half, hoping to find security, but in fact what you do makes the other half want to run.

Psychologist Robert Firestone proposed the concept of "Fantasy link" (Fantasy Bond), meaning that anxious attachments often create the illusion of "You are in Love" through form in an unconscious situation. For example, be sure to date several times a week, give gifts on a particular holiday, and so on, to satisfy your inner insecurities.

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"Fall into the more and more cold love, I can not breathe, I want you." People live to rely on a mouthful of oxygen, oxygen is you, if you love me, you will come to me, you will know I can not live quickly. If you love me, you will come to save me, the air is very thin, because of loneliness. --Mavis Fan Oxygen

When the other half does not give you enough security, you may become desperate for his love, become very demanding, hope to occupy his every minute. You may even begin to think too much about each of your partner's unintentional little moves. If he had just made a new group of friends, you might have thought, "He doesn't love me at all, he's ready to leave me, and he knows not to put so much emotion on him ... 」

And this inner small theater a lot, virtually will deepen your dissatisfaction with the other half, further affect the feelings between you. When you hold his hand too tightly, so that he can not breathe, feel no freedom, he will start to escape. (Share with you: Stop the Inner theater!) Three good ways to stop thinking too much

To three kinds of attachment to the love of the party: "See their own fragile, forgive the hurt"

Dear ones, if you happen to be a safe attachment, congratulate yourself on enjoying a healthy and safe life journey, both in the process of growing up and in relationships. But if your other half is just an escapist or anxious lover, please give them a little bit of your bravery and love!

And the escape type and anxiety type of you, in addition to the choice of security type lovers, how to start from their own, the pursuit of a good love? Honey, as with any other problem, the first step is necessarily to face it bravely. You can gently say to yourself:

"Hey, I know you, and I forgive you for what you've done to yourself or others in the past, and you didn't do it on purpose." In the future, let us practice slowly, step by step closer to a better love, OK? "Then, when you're in a mess, please remind yourself that you have the ability to choose a better direction!"

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Your attachment patterns, though probably from early childhood interactions with your mother, do not mean that you will be confined to such forms for life. When you understand your attachment patterns, you can find your own problems, and when things happen, you have the choice to look at your emotions, whether it's avoidance, restlessness or restlessness, and telling yourself, "I'm going through this emotion," and freeing you from your own cul-de-sac. (same field Gayon: you don't need to always be strong: Five ways to face vulnerability )

Love is the subject we have to study for a lifetime, no one dare to claim that they know how to love, but we can always learn in love, and continue to pursue better love. Isn't it? Always believe that one will be better than the other. May you and the other half be able to come out together with a security attachment created by both of you.