Love is full of questions: How to end single? Hope to be able to lay down the myth of loyalty, learn to "single" ability, and truly free in love.
Being single is not necessarily a person. Can I be single all my life? Are you scared? In fact, everyone is single, is a lifetime single. It's just that you don't think you can do this, or it's a miserable fate. Single, not necessarily a person, two people, not necessarily two people. Don't turn your desire into your destiny, it's a lucky adventure.
Writer Xu Changde in his new book, "Back to single" . He had written thousands heartbreaking lyrics and had written several love-related books over the years, because he had seen too much sadness in love. He knows in love, we are easy to be hurt, but also very easy to hurt others, repeatedly after the gaffe, we have always learned not to love "decent" appearance.
From the gathering and separate body, we know to be brave, to let themselves happy, know and hurt entangled, also won't let the injury improved. We all understand these truths, but why can't we? Xu Changde think that is because we are accustomed to "love" in front of "ourselves", will not stop in love stumbling.
Xu Changde, is a hope that through the text to let us understand that "love to the heart, rather than force, put themselves in the presence of love is perfectly natural." "The man.
In order to let the reader have the ability of "single", unlike the general Love article advocating the eternal Love, Xu Changde text is very direct, to the reader to give up believing everlasting, also do not excessively pursue true love, even the new book directly to "return to single" as the name. From his words and speech, we learned a lesson: "Everyone is afraid of the so-called" single ", but in fact," single "The real fear is not to lose a lover, but to lose themselves. "(Recommended reading: in love, the most important or attitude )
Delicate love from let each other look at the beginning
That afternoon, we visited Xu Changde, hoping to get closer to the complex problem of "love" through the process of talking.
Xu Changde, before the identity of the writer, is a well-known lyricist, has written such as Hsu Valen's "Tears of the Sea", "If the Clouds Know", Yu-Qing's "tsunami", Faye Wong's "reserved" and so on, the lyrics of the words, accumulated on the thousands.
For Xu Changde, writing words is like helping listeners find an outlet for emotional venting, in the past few years, Xu Changde wrote fewer words, and began to hope that the way to write a book, with a large chapter to convey a complete concept, so that his book and readers go forward together, to a deeper place to see the real world.
From writing words to writing books, we are curious to ask Changde love and creation of the relationship between he said both have a kind of "temperament", once the end of grief and indignation and tears will be vulgar off, get along with the texture thus become very poor, a relationship to maintain good texture, must not forget "delicate".
Xu Changde explained that "delicate" from the feelings must be maintained for a long time to make each other "look up" the value, can not love as the only staple food in life, or once their daily life without love, will not consciously sink in the plight of the outcome, but the other side will not cherish.
And Xu Changde's speech, we understand that the first step to keep the relationship often, from the oneself can not take love as a whole life center of gravity, to learn to use their own strength to stand up, and have their own rich life, in order to inject fresh feeling of feelings. We can not hope that love is the specific medicine of life, after swallowing, it will naturally be happy. Love should be the dessert of life, without love we can live well, but with love, the taste of life will thus be different, can become more wonderful. (Recommended reading: "Notto love the two things" and "uneasy" and "loneliness" to be Friends )
"Single" is the ability to learn to take care of oneself
Xu Changde went on to say that he believed that the source of precious love came from the ability to be "single".
Being single is not an identity, nor a label, but an ability to "take care" of one's own life.
Self-care ability can be divided into two levels: the first is economic ability, can take care of themselves, do not rely on lovers, can also live their ideal life, or even if the other side of the economic situation, can not be dragged down by the other side. The second is the ability to arrange their own life, women should jump out of the framework of outside imagination, listen to their own heart to determine their own dreams. And such as treat, do housework, transfer and so on, any thing between lovers should be divided into obligations, the last will only form the face of care, and make each other's relationship is very rough.
Have the ability to take care of themselves, can make us do not need anyone to help, let their life on the wrong path, even without love, is only a relationship to the end, not from this feel the world has nothing. (You will also like: single not lonely Another kind of life )
While self-care is important, we also have a new question--How do lovers maintain a balance between intimacy and autonomy? "Love is a compromise of two people, not being able to do what they want, and having to worry about the other person's feelings." It's like rearranging appointments, spending time with each other, doing what he likes, and having a good time after a quarrel, is a test of intimacy, as long as we are still in love, we must constantly adjust ourselves in getting and giving. And in such a trade-off, what should we do would be better?
Xu Changde After listening to our doubts, very directly said that this is his original intention to write the book, because he firmly believe: "Intimacy and autonomy between never should be two choice, autonomy should be the basis of intimacy." "Without autonomy, the establishment of intimacy can easily be forgotten by love, but not for long." Want the weight of the feelings in each other's heart more distinguished, the more should not have no ego, no principle, no dignity.
Xu Changde immediately explained that his time is all arranged to the lovers, and forget their original favorite life, it is easy to get tired of this relationship. Because there is no willing to separate, there is no desire to meet. Love will not appear without sufficient desire. Do not need to be overly worried about autonomy and paranoid view, that autonomy is not to contact, also do not fear that the other side is not around, it will bedfellows.
There are too many examples of the side, with a partner, the loss of their own, Xu Changde Tone firmly said: "Whether you are married, unmarried should have the ability to be single." "A relationship that cannot be separated from one another will eventually be depleted." A truly healthy intimacy should be able to be autonomous. Life is a journey to be done on your own.
Loyalty is not an obligation.
Xu Changde wrote a book. Over the years, there have been a lot of articles telling readers that "fidelity is not an obligation" is being challenged by outsiders. Xu Changde dismissed the question. He believes that the obligation of loyalty between lovers often comes from the desire of monopoly, and the idea of monopoly is like a drug addiction, it will make oneself care about the amount of pay, to exchange fidelity with the lover, once the imaginary loyalty has what flaw, will feel great pain. This is not allowed to be stained by anyone, as if stained with a completely ruined mentality, is to push himself to a dangerous situation of paranoia.
"Just like the original treasures, because a little rift, and in their hearts suddenly become scrap iron, but how can not forget the high price of their own pay, so torture themselves why?" Xu Changde Noncommittal said.
Xu Changde also believes that loyalty should not be an obligation, another reason is: "When we are accustomed to positioning love as our own" monopoly "and can not have any flaws, fidelity as if the other party must comply with the code, won't be do not know where the other side of the confusion, but will bring the lover great pressure. "Over time the lump will produce, not only oneself in the relationship afflictive, just like the shoes into the sand, how to walk all feel unwell." And for lovers, the atmosphere is not easy, love will be from the lightness of companionship into a heavy responsibility.
Xu Changde said: "Fidelity should be natural, the two sides are only strongly attracted to each other state, rather than the badgered." "Every loyalty reminder is the beginning of the pressure, the real long-term intimacy should be relaxed, so that both sides will be together for a long time not greasy, leaving without irritability." Monopoly is a perpetual fantasy, with this fantasy tied to the lovers, the taste of love instead of the tone.
"We all know how to make each other the only person, but don't know how to make the only person as happy as before, or even better." Xu Changde smiled and smiled helplessly. Tell us not to let lovers become unhappy because of your monopoly. And love, must be willing to be in the most beautiful together under separation, rather than expect the other party all the time and people are completely belong to you, we have no power to monopolize each other endlessly. Otherwise, the obligation of fidelity will only become a blind standard, when the relationship between the two sides of the problem, in the name of morality into attacking each other's weapons.
Paying special attention to Fidelity does not mean that you will truly be faithful, but you will make yourself tense with each other. So Xu Changde constantly advocated in the article is: "Loyalty is not to use the obligation, nor empty waiting for the expectation, but to live in the interaction of the natural state." "So he also wants us to try to treat the possibility of the affair as irrelevant, and concentrate on enjoying every minute of the moment with the lover."
For Changde, the reason for not seeing is not to think about what is being harvested, but to think about what you might lose. The terrible thing about the obligation of fidelity is to give oneself and each other the assumption of a too perfect possession, and when it is possible that the assumption is not tenable, it will be unable to breathe in the relationship. (Take a look: stop investigating the cause of love )
The most terrible thing about marriage is that you believe in love forever.
Xu Changde because he often advises others, "Marriage is terrible!" Really think twice before you get married! ", and being positioned as a marriage pessimist, and even because of his remarks, and questioned his marital status with his wife, he smiled and asked us:" A willing to face the problem, and a person who is unwilling to face the problem, who is more pessimistic? "For his part, he was a pragmatist, not a pessimist, who faced the problem directly," he said.
We are curious to ask Xu Changde marriage question is what, Xu Changde said: "Marriage is not the focus of pleasure, but is responsible for, for example, cars, children, houses and so on, the community and the expectations of their partners, will be implemented in the relationship between the two people." "While unmarried, all the time is their own arrangements, they have great flexibility to plan their lives."
From Xu Changde's answer, we understand that love needs to be expected, impulsive, mysterious, not calm, marriage can not always take such a change. Marriage is the key to the problem is that love in marriage is a secondary consideration, the responsibility of things to take precedence, but the responsibility is always endless, especially after the child, the two sides of life is no longer the focus of each other, but the growth of children.
Xu Changde smiled and said maybe he and his wife has not divorced the key lies in: "Marriage to be able to happy mentality, is to have another kind of imagination, not like in love, blindly to lovers and their lifetime of the eternal Romance." "Be willing to accept the dull period after marriage, when the density of love gradually reduced, willing to clearly see the proportion of love from 80% to 15% of the state, will not take the happiness of the original love criteria to measure their current state, and secretly sad, otherwise no matter the present has more, there will be no happy feelings.
The difference in the nature of marriage is that Xu Changde thought it necessary to wake up the reader's important knowledge before marriage, and he added to the misunderstanding of his marriage that the misconception was not convinced that he and his wife would still be together even after the divorce. Because the misconception puts the value of intimacy on top of marriage, and does not admit that there is no marriage, intimacy can be established.
For Xu Changde, some of the most frightening point of prejudice to the concept of marriage, is the most greedy side of the employing sex, let people stop thinking about the situation of both sides now. For example, "Love a person, is to love to everlasting and lasting, marriage is such everlasting continuity." Xu Changde described the idea as a gamble, deliberately beautifying the greatness of Love and the glory of fidelity, and all of his fortune in possession of a man's lust, because of the high degree of difficulty, hope to burst the opportunity is relatively high.
The marriage of pragmatism Xu Changde taught us: No one is qualified with each other to be everlasting, everlasting is not love and marriage inevitable outcome. It is better to forget all the conditions and to enjoy the present than to let yourself fall into the expectation of eternal daylight. Only the present moment as an absolute existence, recognizing that both sides of the happiness, remorse, anger, tears, smiles are the only time, are never repeat the past, can even lose what are not regret, get nothing greedy. (See together: love does not talk about guilt, marriage is also )
Whatever it is, don't forget to "be gentle to yourself."
Finally, we invite Xu Changde to the reader of a woman fan a love motto, Xu Changde did not hesitate to say "tender to yourself" four words.
"Be gentle to yourself, is not too attached to each other and their relationship must follow the perfect law." And only a gentle look at themselves, look at the relationship, can let oneself grow, withstand temper, modestly close to happiness. Gentle, is to let each other relaxed, I never in the "return to single" is not to preach that people break up, but let you learn to take care of themselves, and the person concerned can be more easily with you. 」
Xu Changde to let us not stubbornly pursue everlasting, happiness does not depend on the length of the establishment of intimate relationship, because love is not right and wrong, their feelings are the most important. Make the everlasting wish for oneself, obviously feel the pain, and do not want to let go before the pay, such life is too tortured.
As Xu Changde in the interview repeatedly said: Love, not a word can be summed up. Because "the sentiment is to be tailored for oneself, not to pursue package hill sea happiness." "Otherwise, it is very tiring to have a person, your life should never be because of the other half to complete." (You will also like: How to maintain emotional health: breaking the dilemma of pursuing true love )
From this interview, we saw the promotion of "no relationship, not greedy, not independent." Xu Changde is not pessimistic about love and marriage, but pragmatic use of gentle and direct words to let us recognize the current state of feelings. Because often in the myth of true love, we tend to forget to think about their real problems in love is never how to forever, but no matter who love, we should let this relationship is lightsome joy.
As feminist pioneer Simompova in a love letter to his lover, Saudi Arabia: "I long to see you, but please remember, I will not ask to see you, it is not because of pride, you know I have no pride in front of you, but because, only you also want to see me, we meet to have meaning. 」
Xu Changde in the "return to single" and this interview to tell us also like BEAUVOLR love letter, it should be mutual initiative, because no one should be the strength of the partner as the basis for their own existence, love should be the crystallization of freedom, not the ability to create value, True love is not likely to happen because of the pressure of anticipation. Let go of the everlasting idea, do not be afraid of being single, love the most comfortable appearance is two autonomous individuals with each other, together to enjoy the moment of love every second.