Written after the international father, we wanted to uncover the mystery of our father, every father, a boy. Your father may be anxious and angry in your impressions, all because he was a lonely little boy.
This weekend (18), the topic of international Father's Day is very lively, the 3rd Sunday of June every year is the world's father finally be able to be loved good day. This day, the "New York Times" than in the past to promote the father of the Coshi, such as the big Tree of the father of great strength, but the " man education is actually not conducive to the growth of boys " a text directly from the boy to father this road, how long, how far, difficult to do.
In the name of love to deepen the mother's career hindered the development of women's life, father is not it? In the family position many father is suppressed, the child draws "My father" the portrait facial features are always vague, the child shares the family memory to talk about is always the mother. His back by economic expectations pull very long, a father is utilitarian guidance, the child how many heard the heroic story of the soldier, self-made ambition, father imposes command posture, a father behind, to accumulate a lot of Medal of Honor: True man, man, male Lord outside.
Until one day, we read the weakness in our Father's old features, until one day we saw the anxiety of his absence in the father's apology. Father's life history has a large gap, there is no intimate with children, no tears for children, soft, lack of space to express love. We have always thought that men are rational animals, thus depriving the boys of the right to emotional, Edward Tronick research for nearly 30 years between the boy and the mother's interaction, proved: In the emotional aspect, boys are born more sensitive than girls.
So, what makes our boys taciturn, patient, and limiting emotions?
A boy's silence will be the future of a father to the family's loneliness. On the wrong emotional education, it is good to read the seal of Cain: Uncovering the cruel culture of the boy World , we analyze the different "relationships" that boys establish, and imagine what kind of help they need from a boy to his father's path. We hope that by changing the "wrong emotional education", let him, have more become boys "other" options.
Emotional education 01: Rejecting brutal culture, goodbye to Manhood
The United States has interviewed 15~19岁 male youths for their male awareness (masculinity idology), and the boys generally believe that it is important for men to be respected, that talking about their own problems means losing their dignity, being short is a shame and having physical strength; men don't have to do housework. Boys imitate the relationship between family and society, and develop a social model that replicates and builds their identity.
Why do men think they have to be brave and resolute? Let's talk about the punishment culture of boys.
The 2016 movie "Ghost Hunter" won the best film Oscar, in the Wild, the Will and courage to live for Leonardo won the best actor. The film to "bitter its mind" to carve a man in hand-to-hand combat to complete their own process. The film praising male hormones is not the original sin, blood vengeance, the survival of the law of the jungle, has always been the only way to exercise the boy to become a man. Corporal punishment Education is one of the first, "male poor, women rich" logical thinking in addition to push the girl into the eternal protection dilemma, but also take the male to a rough road. Every boy who had an extreme rebellion in adolescence might have a parent with a history of violent convictions.
Boys receive "Power education", and parents are better at using corporal punishment to tell their children what they can't do than talk about goodness and emotion with their children. Compared to letting boys emotionally identify themselves, parents are looking forward to raising an independent and robust boy.
In the peer phase, the boy again receives the "brutal culture" of domination and domination. The world famous "Fly King" in a group of 6~13岁 children as the protagonist, written on the desert island of the killing story, with democracy as the target, they must elect leaders, in such a world calm and rational not work, only strong and violent can survive. When most of the girls were told by society to read "The Little Mermaid," the boys were going through every innocent shot of "Fly King".
In order to establish a sense of security through alliances, boys must be strong, become men, collect "manly" star stickers and become "adult men". Even in such habits there is a "resistance to negative temperament", and they are conscious of attacking women/men with tenderness, empathy, and vulnerability. Through such an attack to complete their own competition-a qualified boy. (Recommended reading: interview Su Ling: Taiwan's sex education, the biggest bottleneck is fear and ignorance )
The boys were cruel to themselves, and there seemed no need to be merciful to the other boys. Adolescence is particularly easy to extend the "fear of homosexuality bullying", "long enough to have a high physical size is the strong", "the use of motor cells to expel class system" ... Wait The silence of a man begins, why do they need to understand the pain? I have been under the cycle of pain. Why do they need empathy? When you are weak, you release the opportunity to attack you.
Wrong emotional education: Boys can't cry, boys have to prove their strength through sports or contests, and boys want to build up their dignity by belittling the value of girls.
Emotional Education 02: A family that supports the free growth of children
1997 a paper (paternal involvement:levels, sources, and consequences. Pleck, Joseph H..) That the father of the child's care participation compared to 20 ago increased by 15%, showing the father after the initiation of gender awareness into family care, the practice of fatherhood, but also point out that the father's care for more task orientation, did not reach the emotional core of the child. Many fathers have shown that they are incapable of being able to replace their wives in the infancy of their children, and that they do not have the physical mechanisms to satisfy their children, and thus lose the chance to establish intimacy with their children.
Father is indeed a boy growing on the road is very important typical, the father through the holiday pitching activities to teach the boy power, the boy not only from the father's approval to build pride, through the father's expectations to complete his identity. Until adolescence he began to realize that his father was not fully aware of the conflict with his father's role as a "mentor and guardian", and that his father's emotional distance with the boy was increasingly remote. Father-son relationship lack of emotional exploration and sharing, more lack of physical contact, must strengthen the "interaction" of intimate links to make up for the loss of language. (same field Gayon: Rainbow Mother in the church: you always avoid sex education, how do children know themselves?) )
A study led by Emory University researchers in 2017 found that fathers sang to their daughters, smiled at them more, used more "analytic features" than their sons, and showed much more sadness. Their son's words are more about achievement, such as "winning" and "Pride". The researchers believe that these differences in the father's language may be one of the reasons why girls outperform boys in academic performance. Times
The boy's acceptance of his father's orders grew better than his father's emotional growth.
"I understand that a man leaves behind his responsibility to his children, not the government can fill it up." We can do everything possible to provide good jobs, good schools and safe streets for our children, but they are never enough to make up for a complete disappointment. We need our father to come forward and know that his father's job is not to have a baby, but to be a man, not to have a child, but to have the courage to raise a child. It is necessary for us to turn off the TV, talk to our children, listen to them, and understand the dots in their lives. --Obama
The relationship between a mother and a boy makes up for the emotional needs of boys, and the image of the mother often affects how boys "look at the opposite sex." Some men are good at showing off their chivalry, because their mothers taught boys to protect the opposite sex, to be courteous to the opposite sex, some boys to women and their disgust, may come from childhood family trauma, the mother does not give the child the security of the relationship. The mother is the boy's base, and when he needs to think he is a capable man, he will ask his mother for a Sony Ericsson and acceptance, when he needs autonomy or to emphasize his "manhood", the boy will try to keep distance with the mother.
From the previous paragraph the relationship between father and son can be understood. Father's long system is particularly easy for fathers to use to make sons obey, and to control boys through the power of parenting mechanisms. Between the mother and the boy is apt to appear the emotional blackmail, if the woman cannot through the education or the work place promotion own status, in the family's advancement is through "the mother" and "the Wife" the identity establishes own power scope. The mother projected her social-status expectations on her son, and many of the blame for the family on his son. Perhaps many sons have heard their mother say, "You don't become like your father."
This way of treating the boy misses the real personality of the child, becomes a promising son, and becomes the mother who is oppressed by his father, causing the contradictory emotion of the boy to the family during his growing up. He is neither a hero nor a child (if he is not a father, or a boy) (if his parents regard him as a means to practice social expectations).
Wrong emotion Education: Use "anticipation" to influence the boy's behavior choice, carve the child's growth with "Father image", pressure the child's future choice with "the mother status". (Recommend you: psychologists teach you to jump off emotional blackmail: you have no responsibility to meet others )
Emotional Education 03: sexual impulses and sexual contradictions, why can't I have a good lover?
A boy's adolescence needs to be confronted with many opposing feelings. Young children face their own complex internal needs, he is eager for sex, want to be loved, want to become a "real man." Boys rarely have the opportunity to practice intimacy with their peers, and girls ' childhood may be filled with tenderness and love from the sharing of sweets, toys and friends, and from a group of sisters. The boys ' community practice starts with competition, they have little chance to perceive other people's emotions, and even when he is growing up, the lost boy can neither pull down face to express emotion, nor find a new language to understand. Understanding a sexual relationship is much easier for them than understanding emotional relationships.
Girls are also the "process" of boys becoming men through intimacy, and they need girls to support their male image, on the one hand, to mock girls to establish male dignity. The boy's emotional life faces three major challenges: intimacy, desire and power. If a boy can not express his heart of sadness and loneliness, only with anger or cold response to the unsatisfactory emotional state, if a boy is difficult to let go of his sexual impulses, accompanied by his unhealthy emotional relationship.
"Boys are prone to sexual impulses, and these strong feelings are not entirely popular," he said. Sexual impulse is a bit like you are very hungry, but can only stand outside the restaurant silly delusion, because you penniless. Almost all boys know how to suppress similar pain in private, and with the release of pain comes shame. Many boys are eager to grow up and imagine that one day they will grow up to be adults and have sex with a real girl without having to rely on the inserts in an adult magazine. The Seal of Cain: Uncovering the cruel culture of the boy World
Our culture tells us that boys are naturally curious about sex, in fact girls have been taught to stay away from sex, or they may be curious about the same degree as boys. Sex curiosity, sexual exploration is not shameful, it is important that our family education or social studies teach little boys/Girls What is a safe sex distance. Parents must pretend that their boy does not masturbate, there is no a in the cell phone, the school will not pass a diffuse. Boys receive less than 10% of the "factual information" ",a the girl said not to be, the real world is not so. (Recommended you see: the exclusive woman of a film!) See how Female Porn to mark the coming of the New Age
But the boy's pain is also their imagination of intimacy may come from "Superman", "Batman", A good sex, men to be tough to dominate the role, and even have to use violence to show that they despise women, full of power. Boys will be very afraid of their "first performance", most of the first time will leave deep anxiety, so that men's later sexual behavior will be more focused on the display of their own power. Cruel social experience teaches our boys to eliminate "gentleness, softness" and so on are classified into "feminine" feelings, the existing stereotyped gender education is not so much a gender education, it is better to teach boys and girls how to pass the family, play a good role in the gender of power education.
Boys to control the girls to eliminate their male anxiety, in order to deny the girl to understand their own feelings to prevent injuries, they accumulated in intimate relationships in a lot of unspeakable "guilt", from each of the power in the display, one time, the elimination of women's position, but also the need for women's love of the contradictory feeling.
Wrong emotional education: "Good boy education" expect boys to meet the needs of girls, boys have to woo girls through culture, for example, to be responsible for women's lives, handbags for girls, and men to pay for meals; "Sex adventure education" encourages the sexual function of men to link his personality and self-esteem, to encourage men to show power over women by sex, Men are encouraged to gain status through language bullying women.
(The movie "Dear Don't Cry")
From the ego, the family talk about interpersonal relationship, this is only the male face strong patriarchal structure is more easy to see the part, the boy has many problems, they long time silence and unwilling to seek help. 19,911 Psychological Studies (Family talk about feeling states and children's later understanding of others ' emotions) Show: Mother is good at talking with her daughter Sadness, talking to your son about anger, this is the starting point of gender socialization. Embracing your emotions will be the first step in the future for men to be gender friendly.
You want a boy to grow up differently and be a different father. The best way is to give them the opportunity to be brave enough to express their inner world. The boy deserves to have all the human emotions, and it is worth a more holistic sense of life.
No boy has no desire for the love of his parents, nor a father who does not need to be cared for. We must begin to pay attention to men's feelings and hearts, more than his career, his future, his social status.