Have you ever heard of "emotional blackmail"? We all know that the love of blackmail is definitely not love, but when we are in a relationship, we often can't see the truth.
Recently do not know is the mercury began to prepare retrograde, or the universe run out of trouble, around a lot of people are lovelorn.
He told me that it was all my fault. I said to break up, he never meant it. 」
In front of me, K put makeup cry spent, looking at his increasingly gaunt face, my heart and distressed and angry. But at the same time, I have a feeling that the play has lasted for the First century, from the heart. I don't know how many times I've told him, and it's no pity that I broke up with this man. The breakup is indeed K, yes, but this k's ex-boyfriend, but with "honest" this is a very moral thing, manipulated the feelings of K.
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K was only a good friend when he found out that he had Sampans with other women, even to bed, and claimed he was single. In such cases K proposed to break up, but the other side of the responsibility of all pushed a dry two net. "Break Up is you mention, I can only passively bear" he again as the victim's identity, let K was surrounded by guilt, pain unceasingly. (Extended reading: love easy to break up difficult!) Practice facing the art of breaking up
"I was thinking maybe I could get back together with him, at least he was honest." "K mouth of honesty, referring to his ex-boyfriend frankly said:" I love you, but I want to keep our relationship confidential, just because I hope others will like me. "
"At least, he was honest with me?" 」
From small to large, we are learning the moral of this matter, we are trained to be able to distinguish between morality and defeat in the two things. "Cheating", "Jealousy", "hatred", "honesty", "kindness", "humility", morals. So we are always being fooled by morals in our relationships, hurting others and being hurt by others.
Socrates argued with Aussi de Mos that it was immoral to deceive. At first, Aussi de Mos was quite sure that deception was immoral, but Socrates said, "If a friend wanted to kill himself, would it not be immoral if you hid his knife?" "Aussi de Mos found that such a situation, but is a kind of so-called moral." Morality and immorality have never been divided into two separate laws.
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In the relationship, when you find that the other party unreservedly to the things he did to expose to you, like to play in the casino 21 o'clock in a wager all the chips, plainly tell you, I am so, the rest of this, you want to. Then you begin to be puzzled by the word honesty, and you begin to question your conscience and feel that you cannot betray the person who is completely calm and defenseless to you.
"Honesty is the best trick for the highest number of swindlers," he said. When there is no false truth, only honest one can blur the eyes of others, lead the world tears, let them not see clearly. Honesty is no longer related to the conscience of the individual, but to the conscience of others. Would have been, because my conscience spoke so honestly; now is, I am honest, so the conscience of others speaks. 」
I particularly like Hu Qingjing's collection of essays, because they are so true and bloody human nature. when K's ex-boyfriend openly said his honesty, is tantamount to unloading all the responsibility, will decide the right heavy pressure on K body. And if K chooses to leave at this time, it seems to betray an honest man.
Emotional blackmail, from the perpetrator to the victim.
K's ex-boyfriend, besides distorting honesty, is an emotional blackmail. If you ask me, in this world, what kind of person best not to approach, then the emotional blackmail is definitely far away from the list of the first place. (same field Gayon: did you think wrong today?) Eight thoughts in love short circuit )
"The quickest way to make bones is to" shirk responsibility "for emotional blackmail (emotional blackmailer), and it's all right to push it to the blackmail person, no matter what the frustrating problem. Now that we have the guilt mechanism, we ask ourselves, "Did I hurt someone?" "Then most people will naturally feel guilty about being accused of hurting someone, and ignoring the fact that it's going to happen," he said. "said Susan Forward, a pathological therapist, in the book.
"It's all your fault, you've made me so miserable, and now you're leaving me?" 」
"Never mind, I just don't have anyone to love ..."
"If you really love me, how could you do this to me?" 」
"You are really good selfish, I have already paid so much for you, you have not thought for me?" 」
"The last time I sent you so expensive things, you should return me, right?" 」
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Everyone has a very important and intimate person, but if we or each other, the intimacy as a bargaining chip, to carry out the equivalent exchange of love, we are in exchange for the absolute guilt and pressure. K's ex-boyfriend, know K still love him, so after doing so much harm K, and vice versa with "It is you to break up" this matter, his identity by the perpetrator converted to the victim, magnify their injury, so that K produces strong guilt, and then to achieve their goal of compound. (see together: The more love the more cautious? The insecurity in Love )
It is very important to understand that emotional blackmail is happening, and when we find it, we have the opportunity to rethink right and wrong. Perhaps, we are always vulnerable in front of our lovers and family, we are always longing to be loved, and perhaps, in many cases, we will become emotional blackmail in our unconscious. But always remind yourself that blackmail is never the love you want. And the person who is blackmailing you is not your choice, the right person.
True honesty: I want to work hard with you, will you?
"The Smiling hair/falling asleep in my hand/This moment is like eternity/at the edge of fantasy/Maybe one day/we are no longer in love/But hope this feeling/stay in the heart/about loving you/I love you Now/About love/My heart a lot/about myself/I have enough/about each other/I'm still learning/about the future/I have no answer/I can't promise --Zhang Zhenyue on the matter between us
I have always felt Zhang Zhenyue this song, very very frank, and very very cute. If you ask me, if some honesty is false, then what kind of honesty, is true? In my mind, the true, not the deception of honesty, should be in the confession after all, but also to express the desire to work together.
Like this song, I can not guarantee everlasting, but I am willing to learn, I am willing to practice, I am willing to at this moment, this moment, take hold of your hand. Such honesty is not "I am this, then what do you want?" "The hypocrisy of honesty, but such sincere honesty:" I admit my fragile, but I am willing to change, but also want to accompany me to go with the people, is you. 」
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In most relationships, we are attracted to each other, at that time we still can not see the true appearance of the other side, until the fever faded, we in every ordinary day, practice to get along, balance the relationship, see each other's good and bad, and then choose to go on, or treasure good-bye.
I never believed in a couple of things like a perfect couple or a true man/woman. "When you choose your partner, you also select a set of problems that must be overcome." "Psychologist Dan Wile has had this kind of talk, and I think that is the true nature of love." Each relationship, there will be a relative solution to the subject, no matter how hard after each other, there is no way to overcome your problems, at least, can do a clear conscience, with a blessing, give each other a sincere smile. (Extended reading: mutual dislike or sweet life?) Gender psychologist tells you the key to a happy relationship
"Is it because you are more courageous?" 」
Late at night, I got a call from K. His voice choked and said he was in pain, and he asked me when the pain would end. I said, no one is going to say that. It may be one months, three months, or maybe a year or two, but we will always have to learn to walk through this by ourselves, not through a new love, not by grasping driftwood, but by our own strength.
In the face of a relationship that has produced chemical changes that cannot be turned back, we can change only ourselves. No one has the right to change another person, and no one can successfully change another person in a situation where they don't want to change. Because change does not change, grow or not, go forward or backward, all only own can decide. The other side is so, oneself is likewise. Therefore, we can absolutely decide that only our own changes.
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On the other end of the line, I heard him faint and said, "Is it because you are more courageous?" 」
No, it's because I've walked the same road with you. And I came to myself and realized how powerful it was to make people so that I believed that you could do it. I'm not sure I'll be able to come across the same thing in the future without a scratch, but at least I've got the Look in the mist, I know how deep the black hole is, and I know that no matter how long the path of recovery is, the end is always there for me. And the most precious thing is that you will know how to love and be loved when you cross the finish line.