How much love and love are separated, and we don't really understand how to face death, what kind of attitude should we use?How do you say goodbye to sadness?
Today is the 30th day of my husband's burial, and in Judaism it is called sheloshim.According to the teachings of Judaism, the seven days of burial were known as Shiva, and the majority of the lives of Shiva were normal, but until Sheloshim was told that the other half of the deceased had been left with the final leg.
My childhood friend later became a Jewish pastor Rabbi telling me that he had read the most powerful words: "When I'm alive, don't let me die.""Let Me not die while i am still alive." I never understood the meaning of this prayer until I lost the love of my life.And now I get it.
I would like to see the same happen when the tragedy occurs.You can surrender to the void, let the loss devour your body, and control your ability to think and even breathe.Or you can try to find meaning.In the last 30 days, I have been immersed in sadness, and I know that there will be many moments in the future, and I will be engulfed by this enormous loss of feeling.
But if I can, I want to choose life and meaning.(Recommended reading:A Life in Life: A Life in Life, Eternal Love )
And that's why I write these words right now: I want to remember the last of Sheloshim, and also to borrow my power back.Although sad experience is deeply personal, people who do not stingy share my personal experience with me have given me the power to go forward.To me, my closest friends, my closest friends, have complete strangers, unselfish sharing of past experiences and learned wisdom.So, through my own personal experience, I hope I can help people who are desperate, and I am convinced that we can find meaning in tragedy.
In the past 30 days, I have been like 30 years.I have 30 years of sadness and I feel that I have been wise for 30 years.
During this period, I have a far more profound understanding of what I called "the mother".On the one hand, it comes from the pain of screaming and screaming from my child, and on the other hand, my mother andEvery night, my mom lay in my bed at my side, near me, until I cried. She was patient with tears, because she didn't want me to see; she explained the pain I felt at this point in time, not only from myself, but also from my child. When I looked into her eyes, I knew how much she loved me, and I thought I understood it.
During this period, I found that I had never really understood how to communicate with the people who are suffering.I always try to soothe people, everything is okay, and hope is that I can give them the best thing to do.Until one of my terminally ill friends told me that he had heard the worst of all, "Everything will be okay."It's a saying, it's always in his head, infinitely enlarged, hey, how do you know everything is okay?Don't you know I might die?Last month, he taught me life history."The true empathy is not to insist that everything will be fine, but to admit that things are always wrong.""When people tell me," You and your children will find happiness again, "my heart tells me," Yes, I believe, but it's a pity that I won't be so happy again."Comparatively speaking, others say, "You will find a new life, but perhaps not as good as it used to be," because someone is finally willing to tell me the truth.(Recommended reading: Peace Ward Nurse: Five things that people regret before they die )
A simple "Hello", or "How are you today?"When I hear you, I can't stop screaming. " My husband died a month ago, do you think I'm okay?And when I heard, "How are you today?" I know the other side understands that the best thing for me at this stage is to get through every single day.
During this time, I know something important.We all know that Dowy died right now, but I don't know about the ambulance.As a result, the road to the hospital made people feel miserable and miserable.I feel aggrieved by the way I didn't want to get the car in time, and I wouldn't want to make way for a few minutes before I arrived at their destination.I have often observed this in other countries of the world.Let us all get to the ambulance in time.The partner of the injured person in the ambulance may have been the subject of a few minutes of the passage.
During this period, I feel that everything can suddenly be passed away-and perhaps the same is true of all things.No matter how stable you stand, your feet under your feet are likely to be taken out without warning.In the last 30 days, I understood how many women had lost their partner, and the dramatic changes of life were like a blanket of blankets and taken out from the bottom of the feet.There are fewer people who feel emotionally supported and must face the pain of love and economic hardship alone.For me, it was a sin to abandon them and abandon them when the women and their families were most in need of help.
During this period, I learned to ask for help, and I learned how much I needed help from others. I've always been the boss of my family, and I'm the CEO, and I'm used to doing things first.But the death of Dawei was not within my plan, it happened, I was almost incompetent, and I lost my ability to live.It was the people around me who saved me, reminded me where I was supposed to be sitting, to remember to eat, and to arrange a little bit of a little detail for me.And now they're still helping me and my children.
During this period, I learned that people can learn to return to life.Adam M. Grant tells me three important things that can help me recover, and I just want to focus on three things.Personalization, it is not my fault that it is understood that this is not my fault.He told me that I had to disable the words "sorry" and say, "This is not your fault."Permanence, reminding himself that it will not always be so sad, things will get better.Pervasiveness, Dwie's death doesn't have to affect all the aspects of my life, and I still have the ability to divide and live.
To me, returning to the workplace is a savior that makes me feel useful and realigned with my familiar colleagues.But when I returned to the workplace, those links changed.When I approached, many of my colleagues looked at me with fear.I know why they want to help, but they don't know how to help me." Do I mention the death of Dawei?"Or should I mention it?"" If I talk about this, how do I mention it?"I learned that if I wanted to regain my close relationship with my colleagues, I had to open my atrium and let them in."And that also means that I want to be more open and vulnerable than I am.
So I told my colleagues around me that they could ask any questions I would like to ask, and I will answer them.I also said that they could share their true feelings.One of my colleagues acknowledged that she had always been around my house in the last few days, and that she was not sure that she should be comforted.Another colleague said that whenever I was close, he felt all over the body, worried that he might have said something wrong and stimulated me.This public conversation has replaced fear of "fear of wrongdoing" in our hearts.
One of my favorite cartoon illustratons I grew up in was an elephant in a room, and the phone said, "I'm an elephant."When you acknowledge the existence of an elephant in real life, and not choose to ignore him, you can remove him from the room.
At the same time, there are moments when I can't share with the public.One night, I joined the children's Portfolio Night, and the children's works were hung on the wall, and the parents' faces were smiling and watching.I went down and avoided the people who tried to comfort me or the way I looked at me, and those parents were so kind, and I didn't dare to make any eye contact, and I was afraid I would crash.I hope that they will understand.
During this period, I learned the so-called gratitude.I am grateful for everything I've always used to be, like life.I'm so heartbroken, but when I look at the kids every day, I really thank them for their lives.I am grateful for every smile, every warm embrace.I don't take every day for granted.When a friend told me, he didn't want to celebrate his birthday because he hated his birthday, and I almost broke up and said, " Go celebrate your birthday!Goddammit!You were lucky to have every day." I know that my next birthday is not at my side disappointing, but I've decided to celebrate in my heart, far more than my birthday.(Recommended reading: Building the ability to thank the "ordinary day", good for the good moments in your life )
I am fully indebted to my people.One of my colleagues told me that his wife (we never met) decided to go back to school places, and that she had delayed the project for several years.Yes!When the situation permits, I believe in "Stay with me" more than ever.There are many men, many of them I know, I don't know much more, because of the great Die's death and the willingness to spend more time living with their families. This is the glory of the great dimension.
I can't even express how grateful I am to my family and friends.They've done so much and assured me that they will always be there.In the face of my haze and emptiness, the past years have been extended indefinitely in front of me. It is their face that has led me away from fear and alienation.I would say no to their thanks.
I talked to a friend about a parent-child activity to take part, and the big dimension was no more.He thought of a solution to replace the big one, and I cried to him, "But I want the big dimension here. I just want this priority option (Option A), that's the big dimension."He said to me, " When the priority option is an option that does not exist, you can do your best to make the backup option (Option B) best."
Dear Davey, to protect our shared memories and to raise our children, I promise to do everything in my power to make the backup option best.And despite the fact that Sheloshim has been 30 days, I still mourn for you, and I will always mourn for your preference.Like the U2 singer Bono sings: "Grief is not exhausted, but love doesn't stop.""
Hey, I love you, big dimension.