You have heard of Adler's personal psychology, which has found answers to happiness for all of our problems related to interpersonal relationships.
Adler, a psychologist born in Vienna, Austria, initiates individual psychology. I was not familiar with his name, just once, in the underground book street at random Look, the above sentence is so naked appear in front of me. From that day on, I read many books on Adler's psychology and tried to make them a guide to life.
That was 20 weeks ago, when I bought the book, I uploaded a photo of the book on the Instagram. Although there has been a recent upsurge of reflection on social media, I am grateful that it has helped me record this day. I am glad that I met Adler in the street of books and walked with me through doubt, through frustration, through the so-called inferiority complex, and the so-called worldly ways. (Recommended reading: escape syndrome: The Taiwanese are so poor that only food and travel are left?) )
I have always lived by determinism without knowing it, perhaps Floyd Biadre is much more famous, and many times I think my behavior at the moment is the complete achievement of my past. I easily complain about the past, easy to find excuses for themselves, hesitation, and often lack the determination to change their own. And now I know the courage to practise free life in every day. share with you the six little revolutions that Adler brought to me.
01. In fact, psychological trauma does not exist
"No matter what happened in our lives before, it has no effect on how we will live in the future," he said. 」
"The reason we can't change is because we're determined not to change." 」
Despite all kinds of dissatisfaction, it is easier and more reassuring to keep "Me Now". 」
"Some people will want to be special by their own misfortune, to treat misfortune as a weapon and to dominate others." 」
In Adler's view, it is not the psychological trauma or any misfortune that has created us now, but we have "created" psychological trauma and unhappiness for the immediate needs. Such a concept is not difficult to understand, we often use misfortune to make ourselves special, and in order to maintain such a special, we must retain such misfortune, over time, such a cycle has become a pretext for us not to change. (same field Gayon: get rid of delaying tactics that make you more and more tired, act now )
This is why, many people obviously see oneself is stuck in a difficult situation, but choose to moan and groan not come out. Many times it is not that they are powerless to get out, but that they need the immediate dilemma, create a tragic hero of the script, and step out of the pace of change will face is the infinite unknown, stay in situ of the kind of appearance has been able to understand clearly, how bad, as if that is the case, how bad, or do you now more comfortable.
Perhaps we will in the unconscious state, accidentally grasp the psychological trauma brought to us by the sugar and honey, but do not forget, because of misfortune in exchange for the special, are illusory and unrealistic, but also must bear the pressure that has been in misfortune. If your life card is closed, less complaining and sighing, calm down and think, do you take misfortune as a weapon? Whether it comes from your family background, your schoolwork, your looks, your body, or any other source , you are the only one who can change you.
02. All problems come from interpersonal relationships
"Why would you hate yourself?" Because we are too afraid of being hated by others, and we are afraid of being hurt in relationships. 」
"To get rid of all the Troubles, one must live alone in the universe." 」
"We need someone else if we're going to feel lonely." 」
"All human troubles are the problems of interpersonal relationships. 」
All the troubles come from interpersonal relationships. The first time I saw this concept, I was shocked to close the book and put it on my lap, and then quietly conceived the various situations. Only to find that from small to large variety of troubles, unexpectedly no one and "people" off the relationship, even "lonely" this seemingly so personal feelings, also need to rely on others to complete.
People who cannot identify with themselves often choose to deny themselves because they are afraid that they will not be accepted by others. "I am such a incompetent person, people do not contact me should be." "I can't afford anything, who's going to like me?" "In fact, people who say such things do not want to have a relationship with others, they also desire to be accepted, loved, but because of lack of self-confidence, in order to avoid being rejected by the embarrassment and sadness, and closed themselves."
Being full of defense and denying the life of the self will make us like a hedgehog, unable to accept and give love. Born in this world to us, everyone has a special place, as the little Prince says, the garden is so many roses look the same, but for the one who has a flower, he poured the roses, is absolutely different. "------ Truly accept yourself, you will be able to appreciate your people to protect you, water for you, fertilization, soil. (See together: fall in love with a Rose of Caprice: The Little Prince teaches us six relationship topics )
03. Give up the subject of others, find the true self
"We are not living to satisfy the expectations of others. 」
"Always seek recognition, care about other people's evaluation, in the end we are the lives of others." 」
"All disputes in relationships are caused by the fact that one foot is on someone else's subject, or if the subject is interfered with," he said. 」
"To distinguish who is the subject, just think:" Because of the outcome of this decision, who will ultimately bear? 』」
When we grew up in Taiwan, the best example of "separation of subjects" was probably our relationship with our parents. From an early age, parents asked us to study well, if read well, buy delicious to us, read bad, may be a burst of scolding. And at the crossroads of life, you will let parents help you decide, or brave for their own life is responsible for? A lot of people, and parents compromised, perhaps read not like the department, perhaps do not want to do the work, in any case the same is, the last part of the unhappy, can only bear their own.
For Adler, this is the result of parental involvement in our project. Before each decision is made, think of: " who will bear the consequences of this decision?" "If this is the subject of you, please bold and courageous to make their own choices, after the choice, if someone else because of your decision to feel angry or sad, that is the other side of the subject, and not yours." If the subject of the consequences is not you, also remember that interference in other people's subjects, is not to bring happiness to both sides.
In the relationship, we often inadvertently more than the world, that they have the right to help each other decide good and bad, many disputes from here began. Take out your love and care and tell your partner that you are happy if you need your advice, and that you can offer companionship and blessings if you don't need it for the time being. To give up other people's topic is to let oneself and the people around to get the first step of freedom. (Recommended you see: put down.) Venting Put it flat. Assured Let go )
04. Avoiding power struggles and establishing horizontal relations with unconditional trust
"Trust is the time to trust others without any conditions attached." as long as you are afraid of trust, you will not be able to build a deep relationship with anyone. 」
"Living in fear of a relationship breaking down is actually just for someone else." 」
"Do not scold, nor praise, as long as thanks." 」
"When someone stirs up a power struggle, don't dance with it." 」
What is the difference between credit and trust? Credit is a condition of belief, and trust is a belief without any conditions. If we do not have the ability to trust, we will lose the ability to love. According to Adler, if you cannot trust the other half and are often paranoid and afraid of the relationship collapsing at any time, then you are really ready to meet the collapse of the relationship. When there is a lack of trust between each other, all daily relationships can find clues that can produce cracks. If you suspect a split leg, you can find evidence. even if you are hurt by total trust, do not lose the ability to trust, because trust is a necessary condition for happiness.
In addition, the face of people around, even subordinates, than their own generation of small people, do not scold also do not praise, because that is the way to evaluate others, once evaluated, and the next "vertical relationship" was established. Do you remember? When we were young, our parents often said, "good work!" , this kind of discourse represents the upper and lower class relations. If you really think that the other party did a good job, thank you, from the heart a sincere thank you, try to establish a "horizontal relationship" with others, others can easily feel his contribution.
In this world, there is a "community", not a competitor, between people. This is Adler's very upper-level idea, and it's hard to do. We are always in the daily life to camp, compete with others, try to beat others, but everyone is completely different, different people, but to compete in the same position, is meaningless. We ah, a lifetime of competition, should only be the "ideal of their own." Because there is no substitute for each and every one of us.
05. As long as people, there will be a sense of inferiority
"Not because you are bad and have an inferiority complex, no matter how good people look, how much will feel inferior." 」
"As long as there are goals, of course, there is an inferiority complex." 」
In any case, the idea of "I can't" anyway is "inferiority complex", not simply "inferiority". 」
"A jealous man will never be a useful person. Jealousy is also one of the products of serious deep inferiority. 」
Sometimes, I will inevitably have to fall into the inferiority of the moment, looking at other people's brilliant achievements, and even the appearance of beautiful bright eyes, often looking at the feeling that they lost a big cut. I used to feel very tired of inferiority, often eager to get rid of, because the inferiority complex always let oneself become small. But Adler clearly distinguishes between "inferiority" and "inferiority complex" the difference between the two, which "inferiority complex" is the driving force for excellence, is healthy and conducive to our growth.
"Inferiority complex" refers to do not believe that they have the possibility of change, and the use of inferiority as an excuse, "I would have wanted to do so, but ⋯⋯", "Anyway, anyway, I just can not do it, so the complex, is to let inferiority barriers to the pace of progress. In addition, Adler also mentions the "inferiority complex" extended out of the "superior complex", is a way to disguise the inferiority of the heart, and strive to put up a superior appearance of the situation, like "If I am not lazy to participate in the competition, the first one is already me" the use of false superiority to build self-confidence for themselves, but such self-confidence is illusory.
After carefully ruminating on these concepts, whenever I began to envy others, began to prepare a foot into inferiority, I always remind myself, inferiority is to let us become happier ourselves a feeling, and can not be used as an excuse for not growing. We often look to others, but forget to examine ourselves, because we are not perfect, there will be an endless stream worthy of the pursuit of the goal. Try to be a better person than the perfect one. (Extension recommendation: My life is only I am the protagonist, why envy others?) )
06. The courage to be hated is the proof of living free
"If you cannot live your life without being judged by others, by not being afraid of being hated, or by paying a price that may not be recognized, then you cannot be free." 」
Recently, a number of Taiwanese artists have chosen to end their lives, do this choice behind the reasons, not to be overwhelmed with attack speech, often acid words, resulting in psychological pressure and even disease, let people see both distressed and sad. If it is too late to think of everyone, we are not living in the world for the sake of other people's identity, and we will never be able to please everyone. "Being hated by others is evidence of freedom to live." "said Adler.
Passenger of the 〈let her go〉, there is a sentence lyrics is so sung: "only know you ' ve been the high if you ' re feeling low. Only in the trough, you find that you have been so good. "I think life has a lot of time to torture, always let people feel difficult, but look back at the pain, we found that misery and beauty is staggered." When someone doesn't understand you, please summon up the courage to be hated, because courage is the most powerful weapon that can be unlimited.
"Life always tries to carry on, and in the face of external obstacles, the power of life will never be the same without struggling to hold the white chess." Life always seeks to continue, and the life force never yields to external obstacles without a struggle." --Adler Alfred Adler
Starting today, with a little determinism, look back at yourself, tenderly embrace the wounded one, and then use more Adler's teleology to believe in the power of life and courage, and not to be bound by the past, because what happened before can only be "explained" and cannot be provided. The solution ", we need, is always moving forward." I will share with you the six things that Adler taught me, and may the daily and everyday you be more courageous than you were yesterday.