Shirley Sandberg's graduation speech: Steadfast Hope, let you conquer fear

Face book operating long, "lean in" founder of the snow-Rou Sandberg has always been a "strong woman" image of the people deeply rooted.

But this year, her graduation address at the Viginia University of technology was not a blessing, a promising future, and she rejected the cliché that a successful person like the elite had come to the graduates--that the words were all the same; she chose to cut herself and talk about the greatest loss and trauma in life, The courage and strength of all the graduates who are about to stride.

As you face the new life, I'm going to talk about resilience in pain.

In a speech at the Virginia University of Science and Technology, Sandberg greeted everyone, and she slowly said:

A graduation speech can be quite one-way, by the speaker (that is, me), to impart her sweat-earned intelligence (or at least try to do so). The graduates (who are you) sit in the rain and listen, as always, thinking. Then you throw your graduation hats into the air, hug your friends, ask your parents to take a lot of pictures of you (perhaps on IG), and then move on to your amazing life. (Recommended reading: Markzockburg's Harvard Graduation Speech: "Our society is not often great because we are afraid of failure")

It's going to be a little different today, because I'm not saying "you don't know but I know," and I want to say something that the community of Viginia science and technology is deeply aware of.

Today, I want to talk about "resilience" (resilience).

It took me two years to study resilience. It was because something happened in my life that I realized that I needed a lot more resilience than I could have imagined.

Two years and 11 days ago, I lost my husband David suddenly and without warning. It's still difficult to tell the truth, because I still have a hard time believing it really happened. I woke up one morning thinking it was another morning, and since then my world has changed completely.

Yes, today is an important day, and it is raining, but I am here to talk about death, but I guarantee that there is a reason for it, even in the moment of rejoicing at the graduation of you.

Because since the loss of David, what I have learned has fundamentally changed my view of the world, and the way I live in it, on this day, I want to share it with you, because I believe it will help you live a happier, healthier and more joyful life, and you deserve all of this.

Each and every one of you has traveled through a unique path of life and has arrived here today. Some of them have been exposed to real trauma, and all of you have faced challenges, disappointments, heartbreak, loss, disease-when these things come to be so private-but that is common.

After David's death, I did something like the rest of my life: I sought strength and solace in reading. My friend Adam Grant, a psychologist who studies how people find meaning in life, has leapt into the study of resilience and resilience in trauma. (Recommended reading: Learn to lose this lesson!) Interview May days Stone: "Death so close, more to be forced to live")

In the course of the study, my most important finding is that people are not born with a certain degree of resilience.

Resilience is a muscle, which means that resilience can be exercised.

We exercise resilience for ourselves, exercise this ability into our bodies, and exercise that ability to the people we love. As a community, we also build this power together, which is called "collective resilience" (collective resilience). This power is incredibly powerful, and it is the power that our nation and the world need at this moment. Such forces are also in our relationship with each other, where we find our living will, the power of love, and the power to bring change to the world.

We all need our own partners.

We all need our fellow partners, especially when life is a barrier to our lives. When you leave Viginhaco and into the real world, you will form your own partner team, and sometimes that means you will need to turn to someone else.

It had been very difficult for me. Before David died, I tried not to disturb anyone, and yes, "disturbing" was my view of "help". But when my life was in upheaval, I found that I needed friends, family, and colleagues more than I had imagined. My mother and my father came to the scene today, just like your parents. And my mother in the first month of the incident, really is every night holding my hand, accompanied by crying to sleep with me. I never felt so weak, but then I learned that it takes courage to depend on others.

There are times when we have to trust ourselves and sometimes we have to lean out of others.

The establishment of their own partner circle, also means to accept and willing to recognize the partners of their own life challenges.

Before I lost Dave, if my friends went through a difficult time, I would show them that I was sorry--just once. Then I will not mention it again, because I do not want to remind them of how painful it is. Losing my husband has made me realize how absurd the idea of the past is-you can't remind me of the "You Lost Davy" thing. As I have done to others, when others deliberately do not mention the loss of their husbands in front of me, I feel a huge, aging invisible elephant behind me, no matter where I go, follow me. (Recommended reading: distance never let us discrete!) To the good friend: the youth will pass away, fortunately leaves one you.

This elephant can not only be shaped by death, do you want to keep the whole room quiet for a moment? Say that you have cancer, that your father is in prison, that you have lost your job. When we need each other most, we retreat into silence. Yes, not everyone wants to talk about anything in their life at any time, but to a friend, "I know you're suffering, and I'll always be here." "You can get rid of that big, ugly elephant for that friend," said the man.

If you are in the team of one of your peers, please do not provide general and general assistance. Before I lost Dave, if I had a friend who needed help, I would say very kindly: "Is there anything I can do for you?" But the problem is that such well-meaning proposals have shifted the burden to those in need of help. When I was asked this question, I do not know how to answer, it is difficult to say "you can make Father's day disappear?" 」

There was, however, another good way to provide assistance, and when my friend Dan Levy's son was hospitalized for illness, his friend texted him and said, "How come you don't want to have a burger?" Another friend sent him a message from the hospital Hall: "I'm in the hospital lobby and I'm willing to give you a hug for the next one hours, whether you have time or not, and I'm here for one hours." 」

You don't need to offer a great deal of help, you don't have to wait for the other person to tell you what they need. You don't need to be a friend from the first grade of primary school to show up when he needs help. If you ever show up when your friends need them, then let them stand by you when you need them. If you laugh until your back hurts, if you hold each other's hands and cry, or even bring a hamburger with a sauce that tastes the same without asking for it-it will not only make your recovery stronger, it will also help you create a richer and more meaningful life.

A little word that can help you conquer fear.

Are there any of you who are anxious about the future and uncertain where the opportunity will take you? I sometimes worry about it too, but do you know what can help you overcome fear? A great idea condensed into a word: hope.

Hope that there are many kinds, such as hope she (Tinder girl) will not slide you to the left, sorry (laughter), there is also a hope that when you sit here, there are moving elves automatically help you pack things, and again sorry (laugh), there is a hope that now do not rain, Double Sorry (laughter in the stage). But my favorite hope, called "Steadfast Hope", is to realize that when I take action, things will get better.

We usually think that hope is very personal, but in fact like resilience, it can be nurtured and nurtured together in a group.

Two days ago, I visited sister Emmanuel's Church in Charlestown, and we all remember the shootings that took place two years ago, killing a priest and eight worshippers. What happened after the events was extraordinary, and the community rallied together against racial discrimination and violence, rather than being consumed by hatred. As a local pastor Jermaine Watkins wrote: "For hatred, we say" there is no, not today ", for the division, we say" no door, not today ", for the loss of hope, we say" no, not today. " (Recommended reading: gentleness is stronger than hate!) TED speech: "I'm a Muslim, I'm not a terrorist"

"To hatred, we say no way, not today." To division, we say no way. and to loss of hope, we say no way.

This is probably the most touching theme and text I've read on Facebook-admit it, I've seen enough face book stickers. Here's another one, Antoine Leiris, a Parisian journalist who lost his wife in Paris, wrote an open letter to the terrorists who killed his wife two days later: "In the evening of Friday, you stole an outstanding life, the love of my life, the mother of my son." But you're not going to get my hate. My 17-month-old son will still play with us as usual, and he will be a happy and free man and confront you with such a life, and you will not get his hatred. 」

As you leave this beautiful campus and enter the world, remember to build resilience in your body. When tragedy or frustration strikes you, understand that deep in your body, you have the power to survive all difficulties. I assure you that you have this kind of mental energy. As the proverb says, we are weaker than we think, but we are stronger than we can imagine.

Create resilient organizations and teams, and stand up when you see injustice and lend your time and enthusiasm to a goal that is powerful enough to make an impact.

One of my favorite postings said in Facebook: "All the things you see in Facebook are not other people's problems." "When you see things that are damaged, there is more outside, to solve them and to restore them." Your school Zhi Ming also asked you to do so. (Recommended reading:"exclusive" Liu Anting into the full text of graduation speech: "Find a place worthy of cultivation, plant your lucky")

You don't have to wait for a special occasion--like a commencement--to feel and show your gratitude to your family, friends, professors, coffee-shop waiters, and anyone you think of. Your gratitude will increase the weight of these experiences. People who are willing to take the time to concentrate on thinking about Thanksgiving are usually happier and healthier.

My New Year's resolution last year was to write down the three happy moments of the day before I go to bed every night. Such a simple thing has changed my life. Because I found that in the past I was accustomed to thinking about my own mistakes in today's decisions, and the idea of what I might do wrong tomorrow to sleep. Now, I think about what I did right today to sleep. For this reason, I am more likely to perceive them when happy and joyful times occur during the day, because I know they will be written in my notebook. Try it, starting tonight, in a day full of happy memories.

Graduates, in the journey ahead of you, you will have a good day and a difficult day. To go through all of them, to find common experiences with different people, to write a common narrative, is enough to create the world you want to live in.

Create hope, the most important thing in the community that you participate in and organize, and find Thanksgiving in the gift of life, and thank life for providing the opportunity for pleasure and love.

Tonight, when I write down my three happy days, I write down this moment and write about the hopes and amazing energies of this community, and you may write that I have finally stopped my speech.

You have a whole world in front of you, and I can't wait to see what you're going to do.

Congratulations, then go ahead!