We discuss, in the light of various psychological arguments, the relationship that lasts long and is happy. Happiness is to strive for and practice! Mutual encouragement.
This year, the Golden Horse 51 award ceremony, song God Jacky Cheung with a "love for the rest of his life," touched the hearts of all, like a wave of breeze across the pond still water, a burst of dark surge:
"Like a lifetime, I learned to love, the rest of the days, to be in love with you." If you can only do this in this life, just look at our hair white, the rest of the life will not be pale. 」
It seems that we have to slip through the loop of emotion several times and do it several times before we can evolve into a better person. Those who screwed up the relationship, love to the pieces of lovers, is like to meet the moment of his existence. Now, looking at the person in front of you, are you sure? Are you sure that he is the partner you want to work with for life, and that you are willing to take a chance with him in the mud on the journey of life?
"Yes, I am sure." 」
If you say so, let us begin the secret after the cobwebs of the long relationship. We will be renowned psychologist Stenborg (Robert J. Sternberg), Jung (Carl Gustav Jung), Maslow (Abraham Harold) , American scholar Acevedo and Aron, psychology doctor Susan Krauss Whitbourne, share with us good advice!
Many people often say that love eventually to a kind of indifferent, marriage will eventually become a responsibility, lover is not love into passers-by is the family. Can not help but make us wonder, love, just for the 1:30 the warm and the existence of the moment? The long-term relationship is to share with him the daily necessities of life. He was riding a small 50 to take you to a date still feel happy; is one day old, you big disease small disease, Zooey to run the hospital, still do not complain to go together; it was you arguing. When you scold each other with the dirtiest words, you want to hug each other. One day, you have to endure a person who has lived with you for most of your life, A step away before you. (extended reading: mutual dislike or sweet life?) Gender psychologist tells you the key to a happy relationship
In such a long-term relationship, how to maintain enthusiasm for love? Robert J. Sternberg, American psychologist, Stenborg in the triangle theory of love that "complete Love" is a form of intimacy, passion and commitment. This is the ultimate goal that many people have for relationships, and "complete love" is most likely to occur between parents and children. Parents ' love for their children usually has deep emotional input and regards them as responsibilities in their own lives. So it is easier to develop and maintain a complete love between parents.
( triangle of love theory picture Source: source )
How to maintain a lasting relationship? To transplant "complete love" to a lover is the next step in our thinking. Acevedo and Aron, the American psychologist, studied the elements of human longevity and romance, which summed up the " density of Love ", " understanding each other and participating in his life " and " shared goals for life ". Is the key to two people's life together. However, how to from the early love "infatuation" process to "complete love" is what we want to learn today, and then, let us extend the study of Acevedo and Aron, to find more development and stability of the relationship between the psychological argument!
The density of love
The first step is to increase your density in love. Density is how solid this relationship is, to make sure that your feelings for each other are steadfast and assured, free and not suspicious. You are not only a lover, but also a partner in life, leading the other towards a wider and deeper understanding. When you walk your feet on the journey of life, it does not mean that you are going to be a kind of stability, but that there is a person who can take risks with you in this world. Next, let's see how to increase the density! (same field Gayon: a letter from a girl to her future boyfriend: Will Your love make Me grow?) )
1. Remember and continue to worship each other's feelings
to maintain the density of love first when you remember why you fell in love with this person? Psychology shows that there is a sense of curiosity and affection between people, primarily because of the "worship" of the person. "Object of worship" is the existence of a spiritual pillar, usually with the "ideal trait" that we describe. Therefore, the worship of a person is the affirmation of its value, relative to life is also full of expectations! The relationship between two people can be in the "affirmative and positive" situation, more conducive to get along and running-in.
How do you continue to be fond of each other? Remember the reason why this person attracted you. Because of his humour, because of his earnest work? Then don't forget, in the future, he opened an untimely joke, you will forgive him after a while, because he must stay up late to work overtime can not come home on time, you will remember to sympathize with him rather than a head of the blame. In contrast, you also have to believe that you have a different trait, which is why you were so attracted to him. You must be fascinated by each other's unique scent and enthusiasts at that moment. Urging yourself to be a classic book that you can read and reread! We can always find surprises on each other. (Extended reading: A married man's true confession: for you, I want to be a better person )
"My Rose, others will think she is like you, but she alone is more than all of you." Because she was watered by me. Because she's the one I put in the flower hood. Because she was my screen protector. Because I got rid of the caterpillar on her body. For I have listened to her plaintive, her boast, and sometimes even her silence. Because she is my rose. "The Little Prince"
Of the 7.2 billion people, this is the only person. Just because of his soul, you understand.
2. The world is big, don't stop trying new things together
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a professor of psychology research in the US , said in the journal today: "Love for each other is the cornerstone of the development of a relationship, but the most important thing is to be able to find life challenges together, to inspire life more warmly, Is the way to develop healthy and stable relations! " people are more likely to be close to each other when they try something new." The freshness reinforces this feeling and makes people feel like they can't help it. It is also a good way to increase the density of love by explaining that two people are interested in each other and even do more things that they have never done before.
In the study of Acevedo and Aron, it is also described that there is a "Self expansion Model" (Self-expansion model) between two people, and that the self expansion model shows that everyone has " The desire to pursue self-realization, and when you are pursuing your goals, you can also make each other grow with you. Whether you share your interests with each other or engage in a passionate activity, it is an important action in your relationship to "expand yourself". For example, you jump together, feel the excitement of life and death, you travel around the world, feel the hardships of the journey, but also together to witness the most brilliant aurora. Create a common experience between two people, so that each other in their minds to leave more profound traces. (Recommended reading: broaden your horizons!) 15 reasons why a woman who loves to travel is the best girlfriend
"I am not good at saying goodbye," said Hazel, in the life of the good things, "that I have a mathematical description of infinite infinity between 0 and 1." In the limited time, we together to create our own small infinite, thank you, in a limited time. Gave me eternity. (Extended reading: "Thebeauty of life" short life, Eternal Love )
If you meet from 0 to 1, think about how many wonderful possibilities there can be? who says it's boring to be together for a long time? The sense of surprise and love requires constant effort, not "accustomed to have" laziness, trying to leave a more interesting memory in your only life, hey, this is not a serious matter, just imagine how you describe your future, and then start acting.
Let's go see the world together.
Understand and participate in his life.
Know how to increase the density of two human, the next thing to learn is understanding. Understanding, is to a very different individual careful exploration, is groping a you too late to participate in the past. Love needs to understand, because two people are like two prime numbers, who can not be removed by who, who will not be part of the, meet will make your life more exciting, you for this reason decided to continue. But to understand is that you have also experienced without his life, there will always be one step ahead of the first, it is impossible to completely overlap the two of life, learn to maintain independence in understanding, but also learn timely untie. (Recommended reading: every day is a practice of letting go: honesty in feelings )
3. There is no spirit of independence, and who together are wandering
Understanding oneself is the lesson before you understand others. Do you know yourself enough? Do you love him because of your dependence, or are you able to have an equal relationship? The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung (Carl Gustav Jung) has targeted the the development of personality " "dependent personality disorder" said: "People should not let feelings in the upper hand, or let feelings control the activities of the self." A person who is controlled by emotion cannot keep a good relationship with his inner world. "Although we do not necessarily have a dependent personality, but often in love committed to the habit of excessive dependence." (Recommended reading: Why, not with me?) )
how to "keep a good relationship with your inner world"? You have to be a part of your own life, and you can make big decisions without being given advice, feel helpless when you're alone, and don't do what you don't want to do because you're flattering others. Simply put, you are your own master. Being with him doesn't mean you have to give up your life plan, and the relative that he's with you doesn't mean you can't have a living space. (same field Gayon: The highest state of love: I love you, not with you )
Therefore, the first love in life should be the object of their own, write poems to themselves, and their own dialogue, in a space to quiet down, listen to their own heartbeat and breathing, I believe that this life will not panic when going out.
do not panic, not discouraged, in love only know good. The reason why people need to be alone, The external life experience can be digested by themselves, self can become a separate and growing system. have you tasted yourself carefully enough? Without him today, will your life be completely destroyed? Think about these questions, if you are a person in the mind can be rich, you really have the ability to love a person, pay for him, and commitment, rather than unilaterally attached to this relationship. (Recommended reading:"notto love the two things" and "uneasy" and "loneliness" to be Friends )
Thank you for your past, let us become the shape of the present
Try to clarify yourself once more, and then treasure love his life, including his past. Together, we will inevitably to each other's predecessors eat taste, stingy think: those they have seen together the scenery, the road, are no longer only "we" a shared memory. But, careful thinking, if no predecessor and he walked the road, before this person, will come to me? If there is no heartbreak, at this moment, we will not waste each other because we do not cherish it?
Many times, "Ex" is just the "imaginary enemy" we set up in love. In the creation of these worries and jealousy at the same time, with "transposition thinking" for each other to strive for a more harmonious space. "Now, don't I come over to the pits that hurt and hurt others?" "The most important thing is that the person in front of you is loving you completely." Who is not with a little ex-mark and present lover together? Because of the past experience, the shape of the now we are in each other's eyes. "Thank you for meeting those who have broken heart, missed enough, to meet you, I think everything is well worth it." (Extended reading: a step closer to the right person!) Five things to do after a breakup
Finally, think carefully about why you are so sensitive to the word "predecessor". Are you not confident in yourself? Aren't you honest with each other? Ask yourself this question, learn to be honest in love, if you really feel uncomfortable, don't hide it, and tell him with a sincere attitude why you feel insecure. Try to communicate, not deny, and refuse to talk about the subject. Talk about the issues you really care about, so that they can get along with each other comfortably.
I love you, along with your faults, your paths, and your past. From then on we walked in the same direction together, until it was dark, until the end of life, we will end. A look back, we see is not a wisp of light smoke, but we are acquainted with the deep shallow life.
Learn to understand his heart's tenderness and violent, his flat and wrinkle, embracing, absorbing his deep and rich soul level.
Have a common goal in life
When you are now (the density of love) and the past (understanding each other) are ready! Then, try to fill in the color of the two people's future canvas. In the demand theory of Umaslo (Abraham Harold Maslow) , "Self-Realization" is the highest standard of demand, which means that human beings get the most satisfaction when they achieve self-realization. If Self-Realization is sacrificed to fulfill another's life, you will be unhappy. Therefore, it is best to set the same end in the relationship between two people, looking for clues between the two of them, to find out more about the possibility of a complete life together.
5. Always passionate about life, make a relationship happier
If life is too big a proposition, don't worry! You can begin to practice from the ideal of life. The closer you are to life, the better you find alive, the more enthusiastic you will be about love. 2012 Stony Brook University in New York studied the relationship between personality traits and stable relationships, and found that people who tended to express excitement about everything in life had a higher chance of succeeding in romantic relationships. Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a psychologist, also published in the Daily psychology: "If you want to remain passionate about relationships, don't stop craving for life, release energy into your interests, like writing, sports, travel, and even political activities that interest you." "
Maslow's "self-realization" is to strive to realize the inner potential of self , making himself more and more become the desired character. Lead life to the positive, but also to achieve the heart of life in the picture of the ideal, without stopping to promote their own progress, each other each day can grow together. The best relationship is like a kind of educational experience, through which you understand the meaning of living more, enjoy the passion of life more, complete your life more. (Recommended reading: The biggest goal in life is not success, but someone to share your happiness )
"Please believe that those who sneak away from the time, to urge the old our face, but the abundance of our lives." Please believe that the value of youth is not because of those young time, but that is filled with courage and enthusiasm of the heart, not afraid of injury, not afraid to pay, not afraid to love, not afraid to dream. Please believe that the death of youth is not terrible, terrible is the loss of the courage to love the heart of life. --tung Wah, "those young times that can't go back"
6. Think of our relationship as a journey, occasional bifurcation or the same end
Psychologically, the 2012 New York State University K. Daniel O ' Leary led research shows that 40% of couples who have been married for more than 10 years still feel passionate about love, while couples who have been married for more than 30 years, 40% of women and 35% of men maintain the same love for each other.
The academic report published in the journal Social Cognitive and emotional neuroscience also uses MRI to investigate the brains of a group of people who have been married for 21 years on average, compared with a group of people in love. According to signs of cognitive activity in the brain, couples are not only able to love each other for long, but also stay in that state.
The above research makes us believe that love to the everlasting, this thing exists. In love, to the same end of the need for constant persistence. Let's say you have 三、四十个 years. During this period, perhaps more discrete, more realistic destruction. Will experience wavering, powerless heartbreak, experience "whether to put the future of the time to gamble on a person" idea. "Love at Midnight in Greece," Celine said: "Probably when you are young, always thought that in the future life will meet many people, and will find many can resonate with you, really communicate with each other." Until the years are long, you will understand that is only a handful. "
Dear ones, if you are occasionally unsure of the person in front of you, occasionally because of the reality of the difficult to doubt. Think back to the first sight of this man. Life has many fork in the road, we will inevitably pass at the intersection of the days of confusion, at this time you can not see him in front of you, perhaps because he behind you, to do your solid backing. Don't be afraid to touch, see, close your eyes, to feel, think back to the details of you, those as if the movie a moment and a moment to show the moving picture, again think of are still like the first time so much shock, the best life partner, lasting new.
Every day we live together through time and space, what we can do is to do what we can to cherish this extraordinary journey.
Say this, everyone's love after all have a taste, which sour and sweet suffering, no one than you understand. Do you think there is a soul mate in life? We always have a bit of doubt. But I am sure that there is a person in life, waiting for us to explore the nutrients of life together, stay and go to the beautiful suddenly, to breathe the cold air in winter, to embrace the bright warm spring. (same field Gayon: stop looking for soul mates!) Cherish the present mr.right now)
Jacky Cheung finally slowly said: "In the lifetime, you are the rest of my life love." "It's a kind of obsession with love that teaches us to be the best viewers in our love stories and to be a fanatic believer in each other's lives."
Expect every anniversary of the future to be able to say: "Hey, I love you, as ever." 」
「I vow to help you love life 我發誓會幫助你熱愛生命
to always hold you with tenderness 用溫柔支持你
and to have the patience that love demands 並擁有愛情需要的耐心
To speak when words are needed 該說話的時候要說
and to share the silence when they're not 不該說的時候和你分享沉默
To agree to disagree on red velvet cake 同意我們對紅絲絨蛋糕的意見分歧
And to live within the warmth of your heart 永遠住在你溫暖的心裡
and always call it home 把它當作我的家 」—— 《The Vow》